CHRISTMAS WEEK CONTINUED: FUNNY FRIDAY

The last Funny Friday before Christmas, dear readers, and this is Christmas Week, so the theme is . . .

Okay, you worked it out.

The following items are from Bytes from various past years, but they may present as new if you don’t recall them. In any event, they should raise a chuckle.

There is some risque content, though.

Merry Christmas, readers.

SOME HUMOUR:

__________

The day after Christmas, I had a guy knock on my door, trying to preach to me about Jesus, saying how I should repent for my sins.

My 10-year-old son was still excited and ran to the door shouting "Santa Claus came to my house!"

The man looked at me and said "Isn't he a bit old to believe that there's an invisible man in the sky, watching everything you do, judging whether you're good or bad?"

I looked at him and asked "Sorry, which church were you from again?"

__________

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas tree.

The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick bastard. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

__________

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth fairy etc.

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that shit anymore, thank God.

__________

A young boy is out riding his brand new bicycle when he is stopped by a police officer riding a horse. The policeman says to the boy, "Did Santa Claus bring you that new bike for Christmas?"

The boy says, "He sure did." The policeman responds by saying with a grin, "Well next year, tell Santa to bring you a taillight for that bike. Here's a bicycle safety violation ticket for $25."

The boy asks the cop, "So did Santa bring you that horse for Christmas?"

The policeman jokingly says, "Yes he did."

The boy responds, "Well next year tell Santa to put the prick under the horse instead of on top!"

__________

It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service. “Well”, said the clergyman “'I guess there's no point in having a service today.” “Well that's not how I see it,” said the farmer. “If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.'

__________

Three Wise Women

(as opposed to Three Wise Men)

Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise MEN?

The WOMEN would have:

- Asked directions, - Arrived on time,

- Helped deliver the baby,

- Cleaned the stable,

- Made a casserole, and

- Brought practical gifts (like diapers!)

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

"If you're aristocratic," said Nietzsche,

"It's thumbs up, you're OK. Pleased to mietzsche.

If you're working-class bores,

It's thumbs down and up yours!

If you don't know your place, then I'll tietzsche."

GALLERY:

CORN CORNER:

__________

In a small Southern US town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said

"See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

__________

So this is Christmas, and what have you done?

The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?

__________

All you people telling me to take down the Christmas decorations all year.

Well, who’s laughing now?

__________

I hate this time of year, all the adverts on the TV, leaflets through the doors, emails, more adverts, wherever you go there's some sort of in your face advertising campaign shoving Christmas down your throat. When did our once great nation become such sellouts for a fast payday. Its sad to see how society is manipulated. Thankfully over at Amazon.com things are different.

__________

Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.

The salesgirl asked him:- 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'