COMPUTER STORIES

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The server problem continues and my posts are not going out as emails to subscribers. It’s being looked at and worked on, Byters.

Here are some computer glitch and problem stories . . .

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This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired.

Operator: Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?

Caller: Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.

Operator: What sort of trouble?

Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Operator: Went away?

Caller: They disappeared.

Operator: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Caller: Nothing.

Operator: Nothing?

Caller: It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.

Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

Caller: How do I tell?

Operator: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Caller: What’s a sea-prompt?

Operator: Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?

Caller: There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.

Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Caller: What’s a monitor?

Operator: It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?

Caller: I don’t know.

Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Caller: Yes, I think so.

Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.

Caller: Yes, it is.

Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

Caller: No.

Operator: Well, there you are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

Caller: Okay, here it is.

Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.

Caller: I can’t reach.

Operator: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

Caller: No.

Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Caller: Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.

Operator: Dark?

Caller: Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.

Caller: I can’t.

Operator: No? Why not?

Caller: Because there’s a power failure.

Operator: A power… a power failure? Aha, okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Operator: Good. Go get them and unplug your system, and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Caller: Really? Is it that bad?

Operator: Yes, I’m afraid it is.

Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Operator: Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.

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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one

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Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can’t get my CD out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry….

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Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello. I can’t print.

Tech support: Would you like to click on ‘start’ for me and…

Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates.

*******

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print.

Every time I try, it says ‘can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it..

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Customer: I have problems printing in red…

Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?

Customer: Aaaah…thank you.

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Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woollies.

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Customer: My keyboard’s not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk ten paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work…

*******

Tech support: Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in apple, a capital letter ‘V’ as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

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Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

*******

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.

*******

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: Okay, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

*******

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.

The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

*******

Tech support: Okay Colin, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I don’t have a ‘P’.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: ‘P’…on your keyboard, Colin.

Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!