SOME FUN

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Friend and colleague Leo M sent me thefollowing funnies, there are some real groaners there but anything that can raise a smile in these grim times is not to be laughed at,wait, is to be laughed at . . .

Thanks, Leo.

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I’ve just made a satellite dish out of a dustbin lid, and now all I‘m getting on the TV is a load of rubbish…..

For goodness sake, who’s letting fireworks off in September? My poor dogs are having to hide under the Christmas tree….

I was in a café yesterday and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup. It got so bad it ended up in violence. I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.

The 3 stages of life: 

Wanting stuff. 

Accumulating stuff.

Getting rid of stuff.

Last night my next door neighbour yelled at her children so loudly that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

Adam and Eve had a perfect marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

A pal of mine was recently caught stealing a leg of lamb from Tesco. The security guard said, “What are you doing with that?” He said, “Roast spuds, veg and gravy.”

Head lice now seem to be resistant to all the usual medical treatments. The problem has left scientists scratching their heads.

While watching The Antiques Roadshow last Sunday evening, I recognised an item that I’ve got a collection of………..cardboard boxes!

What can you find once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a hundred years?...............The letter M.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up to begin with…..

What do hospital gowns and some insurance policies have in common? You think you’re covered, but you’re not…….

I said to the girl at the Tesco checkout, “Can you do this any cheaper, it’s got today’s date on it?” She said, “Look Sir, do you want the newspaper or not?”

Why does mineral water that’s trickled through mountains for centuries have a ‘use by’ date?

See there’s a big debate going on about party balloons being the wrong size once inflated. Personally, I think it’s all been blown out of proportion.

The bloomin’ problem with retirement is, you never get a day off.

I’ll tell you who makes me cross…… The lollipop lady!

As a child, we were so poor, all my clothes came from the Army and Navy store. I was the only Japanese General in my class.

I’ve just taken some laxatives with Holy water. I might be about to start a religious movement.

I’m at the stage in my life where errands are starting to count as ‘going out’.

- Mum, what’s the WiFi password?

- Clean your room first

- Then, 30 mins later

- Mum, I’ve cleaned my room, what’s the WiFi password?

- It’s cleanyourroomfirst in lower case and no spaces.

My wife has just phoned me to say that 3 women in the WI have received flowers and they’re absolutely gorgeous…….. I said, “That’s probably why.”

Engineers have just made a car that can run on parsley. I can’t wait ‘til they’ve made buses that run on Thyme.

I tried to sneak into a Star Wars convention disguised as a doctor. Unfortunately, the security guard suspected I was not the real McCoy.

My wife asked me, “Aren’t you sometimes surprised at how little people change?” I said, “Actually, the process is the same. They just have tiny clothes.”

If Colgate Toothpaste kills 99.9% of germs, what does Colgate Sensitive do? It kills 99.9% of germs without hurting their feelings.

I see people my age out climbing mountains and zip wiring, and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.