FUNNY FRIDAY

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Some humour from the vault, readers (imagine the next bit done in a Rod Serling voice), filed under 'F' for 'Favourites', but a word of caution, you are about to enter The Risque Zone.

Yes, rude items ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A journalist goes to a poor remote village for a documentary.

He saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began: "One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"

The journalist realised that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.

The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!"

The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"

The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began:

“One day I got lost in the mountains.....”

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A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.

"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."

The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."

"Well, now, that's a little more serious."

"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."

"Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"

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Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

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The Plan

In the beginning, there was a plan

And then came the assumptions

And the assumptions were without form

And the plan without substance

And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers

And they spoke among themselves saying,

"It is a crock of shit and it stinks."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,

"It is a bowl of dung, and we cannot live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying,

"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,

Such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying,

"It is a vessel of fertilisr, and none may abide by its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another,

"It contains that which aids plants growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them,

"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,

"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan

And saw that it was good

And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how shit happens.

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This item is essentially visual, hence difficult to tell in written format . .

A busload of footballers celebrating their end of season crashed, killing all on board. The only survivor was a chimpanzee.

At the coroner’s inquest, the police sergeant assisting said “Your Honour, we’ve had some difficulty working out exactly what happened, the only survivor was a chimpanzee, the club’s mascot. It seems pretty intelligent. I suggest we call the chimpanzee and ask it a few questions.”

Well, that’s most unusual,” said the Magistrate, “but if you think it will help, “I’ll allow it.”

The chimpanzee is called and takes a seat.

The sergeant says “Can you understand me?”

The chimpanzee nods its head up and down.

“What were the footballers doing?”

The chimpanzee raises an imaginary glass to hsi lips, head tipped back, and pretends to drink.

“They were drinking alcohol?”

The chimpanzee nods yes again.

“Were the footballers doing anything else?”

The chimpanzee nods yes and pushes the plunger on an imaginary syringe into his arm He also pretends to inhale from an imaginary cigarette held between thumb and forefinger.

“They were taking drugs?”

The chimpanzee nods yes.

“Was there anyone else on the bus?”

The chimpanzee nods yes and uses his hands to outline a curvy figure.

“There were women on the bus?”

Yes.

“What were they doing?”

The chimpanzee makes a circle with thumb and forefinger, then pushes the forefinger of his other hand in and out of the circle.

“The women were having sex with the footballers?”

The chimpanzee nods yes again.

“And what were you doing while all this was going on?”

The chimpanzee strains to look at the back of the bus over his left shoulder as he holds an imaginary steering wheel.

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A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon.

While checking in, the lady behind the desk asks "We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?"

"No thanks," says the jockey. "I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young lady from Dallas,

Who used dynamite sticks for a phallus.

They found her vagina

in North Carolina,

And her arsehole in Buckingham Palace.

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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The other day I realised I can exactly replicate the sound of hitting two coconut shells together simply by riding a horse down a cobbled street.

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“But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?”

“Sedimentary, my dear Watson. Sedimentary”

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I got ran over by a hire van earlier. Fucking Hertz.

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I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.

But she figured out I was only after my money.

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It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.

He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

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I just kicked the living shit out of the Carpet Court salesman.

He said to my missus as bold a brass "Would you like a twist carpet, deep pile or a shag?"

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One day, Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business, when they uncovered an unusual painting.

At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if one looked closer, one could see that it was a remarkable painting. The tree trunk was actually made of fire, and its branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.

"What is it, Holmes?" asked Watson in awe.

"It's an Element tree, my dear Watson," replied Holmes.

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