LAUGH

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Son Thomas and his trouble and strife Jess have bees, about 90,000 head, I am told. They counted the legs and divided by 6 (ha ha). I was thinking about that and their honey production ops so what better a theme for LAUGH.

Enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

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The male bees were unhappy with their lot so they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

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A man in his 50's visits the doctor.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have any idea what's happening out there?! Global warming is destroying the planet! Supervolcanoes are waking from dormancy! We're on the verge of a nuclear war, and NOTHING CAN STOP IT!!"

Visibly shaken, the man looks down and realizes he's pissed his pants. Ashamed but relieved, he thanks the doctor profusely.

"No trouble at all," the doctor chuckles. "All you needed was a little dire rhetoric."

(Think about it).

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The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"

The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track after a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused "No, I still don't recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?" The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head. "It's no good. I just don't recognise any of these wasps"

The assistant peers at the label of the record and says...

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side"

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A mom is driving the little girl to her friend's place for playdate

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."

"Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"Those are enough questions, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card; it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex.

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And on the sixth day…

God creating spiders

God: Make it have eight legs.

Angel: Seems excessive, but okay.

God: And eight eyes.

Angel: You need to calm down a li —

God: Give it a bum rope.

God creating kittens

God: Make them fluffy and adorable, like furry hugs.

Angel: That’s so swee —

God: And put razor blades on their feet.

God creating mosquitos

God: I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces…?

God creating bees

God: Put a needle on its bum.

Angel: Come on God, what —

God: Make its vomit delicious.

Angel: What the heck?!

God creating praying mantis

God: Make an insect that does karate.

Angel: Okay…

God: Now, make her bite her husband’s head off.

Angel: Dude, we need to talk.

God creating dogs

God: Oh these turned out great. I’m going to want all of these back at some point.

God creating pandas

God: Cow bears.

Angel: What?

God: Did I stutter?

Angel: …

God: Take a cow and make it a bear.

God creating snakes

God: How about a sock that’s angry all the time?

God creating alligators

God: See that log?

Angel: Yeah…

God: Fill it with teeth.

Angel: Say again?

God: Fill it!

God creating jellyfish

God: How about an evil bag?

God creating parrots

God: Let’s make a tie dye chicken that screams actual words at you.

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A man visits the bee shop and says to the shopkeeper: "I'd like 12 bees please"

The shopkeeper says: "That's no problem. That'll be $10."

The two exchange the money for the bag of bees. The man checks the bag and says to the shopkeeper: "Hey, there's 13 bees in this bag?"

The shopkeeper replies: "The 13th bee is a free bee"

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A woman is playing golf when she gets stung by a bee. She goes into the clubhouse and tells an employee what has happened:

Woman: "Hello, I was stung by a bee."

Man: "Where were you stung?"

Woman: "Between the first hole and the second hole."

Man: "Your stance is too wide."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

The bumblebee said to the bird,

“I’m wondering what you have heard.”

“If you’re speaking of sex,”

She replied, “I’m perplexed —

But if half of it’s true, it’s absurd.”

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GALLERY:

From Leo M . . . 

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CORN CORNER:

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What did the sushi say to the bee when they met?

Wasabi!

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What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

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If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

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Fellas if you ever meet a woman who takes the time to take care of bees, marry her.

She's a keeper.

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What do you call American bees?

USBs.

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A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.

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I finally sat down with my teenage daughter and had a chat about "The Birds and the Bees."

I learned a lot.

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