LAUGH

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Another mixed bag of humour to set you on the road to the weekend. Enjoy, readers.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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John gets pulled over for speeding

John: Howdy officer, is there a problem?

Officer: You were speeding, sir. License and registration

John: Dude, I got no license

Officer: You're driving without a license?

John: hell yeah!

Officer: And registration?

John: I jacked this car!

Officer: Are you serious?

John: Dude, I killed the driver! I popped a cap in him with this gun I've got in the glove box. His body's in the trunk now!!

Officer: Stay right there!!! *returns to his vehicle and connects to dispatch* I need backup NOW!!!

Within the next couple of minutes, there were several cops at the scene including the chief of police who walks over to John

Chief: Sir, can you open your trunk

John: Sure

John popped open his trunk and it was empty

Chief: alright, now let me take a look inside of your glove box

John opened his glove box and the chief couldn't find any weapons

Chief: you wouldn't happen to have your license and registration, would you?

John: of course I do

John present his license and registration. He was eligible to drive and the car belonged to him

Chief: Alright, I'm confused. The officer who called me said that you had a dead body in your trunk, a firearm in your glove box and that you were driving without a license in a stolen car.

John: Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding

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Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.

So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.

He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"

The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her cooking once in a while."

Satisfied with the advice, Abdul goes back home and his wife has set the dinner table. As he's having dinner he says "Darling, the food is very good today."

To his surprise, his wife is upset with that and says "21 years we've been married to each other and you've never appreciated my cooking, the one day I get food from the neighbours, you like it?"

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When I heard this morning that the Prime Minister of Canada is separating from his wife, I couldn’t believe it.

Turns out it was Trudeau.

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Because of her size, we had to order a specially reinforced armchair for the wife.

When it arrived, we discovered they had accidentally sent us a top spec model with a vibrating function, it even starts automatically as she approaches the chair to sit.

We called the company to tell them of their error and they informed us they make no such model.............Turns out it was just bloody scared!!

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I’ve just got my latest batch of haemorrhoids medication but I had to call the doctor when I got a bad reaction. He asked ‘where did you apply it?...

On the bus I said.

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Early one morning a kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he didn't eat giant candy bars for breakfast did he?"

The boy shook his head "Nope. he just minded his own fucking business."

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Bonus From the Vault:

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian chief proclaims,

"So, you are the great Lone Ranger" ..

"In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your first request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your last request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, ... alone."

The chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

BRING POSSE ! ! !"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Driving to work I heard a discussion on the radio about late and great Australian cricketer Shane Warne, who was almost as well known for his love life as for his sporting prowess. The speakers referred to him a number of times by his nickname “Warnie”, which had me thinking and inspired the following limerick . . .

There once was a man dubbed Warnie

Whose love life was very much stormy.

“I’m just never sated,

It’s not my fault,” he stated

“That I am perpetually horny.”

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GALLERY:

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RELIGION SPOT

A priest and a rabbi are standing on the side of the road holding a sign that says, "TURN AROUND! THE END IS NIGH!!!"

A young man passing by in a car slows down and sticks his head out of the window to shout at them, "Get fucked, you religious freaks" and zooms ahead at full speed.

Moments later, they hear a yell followed by a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says, "I told you we should have just written 'Warning. Bridge collapsed.'"

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CORN CORNER:

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I asked the cashier “Could you give me small change instead of bills? I need money for the bus “

She said “That’s fare”

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An old man goes to a French restaurant

The waitress asks him if he wants an aperitif, the old man removes his false teeth and said “no thanks I already have one”

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Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."

Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"

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I was threatened today at the airport.

At the check-in the woman said “Window or aisle?”

I said “Window or you’ll what?”

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