LAUGH

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An eclectic mix today folks, but be warned, there is risque content ahead.  Venture on at your own risk or stop now if easily offended.

Otherwise. . . enjoy!

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SOME HUMOUR:

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What’s worse than lobsters on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ

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Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street. Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes."

Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"

Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"

"Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you." So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth.

"Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."

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A 90 year-old mother is on her deathbed.

Summoning her last bit of strength, she lifts her head and whispers: "Is my beloved husband John here with me?" And John says, "Yes, I am here."

She then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes Mother, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."

And she says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell her that they are there.

So the mother lays back quietly, closes her eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"

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A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar. They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging.

The American guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team."

Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team."

So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team."

Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have you all beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!".

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Did you hear about the new ceremony the Royal Palace Guards preform when Prince Harry is in town?

It's called, "The Changing of the Locks".

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I went to a new family doctor today. The waiting room was spacious, new renovation, nice and beautiful nurses. And it had a sign:

"We respect our patients' privacy, we will not call you by name".

Quite good eh, I thought.

Completed the registration, I sat down in the waiting area, reading the latest car magazine. A moment later, the nurse spoke with the microphone:

"The man age 32, with haemorrhoids, please proceed to examination room number 3".

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A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A responsive young girl from the East

In bed was an able artiste.

She had learned two positions

From family physicians,

And ten more from the old parish priest.

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GALLERY:

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LAW AND LAWYERS

Why did Washington, D.C. get all the lawyers and New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey had the first pick.

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CORN CORNER:

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I was once so broke, I couldn’t pay my electric bill…

Those were the darkest days of my life…

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What sound does an Australian Frog make?

Croakey

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There's two types of people in the world.

People who look good naked, and people who go to nude beaches.

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What's worse than to find a worm in the apple you are eating?

Find half a worm.

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I’m not a fan of the new coins released with King Charles’ head on them.

But then again, I’ve never liked change.

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A new gym opened near me. They are currently going door to door signing up new members.

It's called Jehovah's Fitness.

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Why did the blonde start looking for a new job?

Her boss texted they would be closed for good friday.