LAUGH

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Time for LAUGH and some laughs, Byters.

This week. . .  some gangster humour.

Enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A Russian mobster goes to meet Italian mafia.

As soon as the Italians notice him, they scoff. "You're not real gangster."

"Why not?" the Russian asks.

"Do you own a 4 story mansion?"

"Well, no."

"How many limousines you own?"

"Limousines? None."

"And where is your solid gold necklace?"

"I, I do not have one."

The Italians mafiosos scoff once again and shoo him away. The Russian leaves, feeling terribly humiliated all the way to his homeland. As soon as he arrives, he gathers all his goons and lackeys.

"Okay, listen. After my visit in Italy I realise that it is time for some changes. Ivan, gather your men and go steal a wrecking ball. The two upmost storys of the mansion need to go. Then Vlad, sell all of my helicopters and jets, and buy limos instead. Lastly, Dmitri, fetch my dog, I need his collar for myself."

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I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I..

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

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The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt.

As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest. Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit.

Shocked and bewildered, the health inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.

"That's nothing," replied the manager, "You should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"

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A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather.

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the cleanup crew.

A short while later, he receives another message. "Stupid autocorrect. I meant wifi."

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2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

The first guy says to the other: "I'm gonna be honest, this place is scaring the shit out of me"

With a snort, the second guy chuckles and says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone!"

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Artie wants to join the mob

So he arranges for an audience with the mob boss and makes an offer. “I’ll do anything you ask for 1 dollar.” The boss thinks it over, “Okay, my rival boss shops at Coles every day at 11:00. I want you to be there and kill him.”

So he waits at the Coles store until he sees the rival boss, walks up behind him and chokes him to death. A clerk sees it happen starts screaming and gets choked to death as well.

When the story gets out the paper reads “Artie chokes 2 for a dollar at Coles.”

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million.

The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? "

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Sighed a newlywed damsel of Wheeling.

‘A honeymoon sounds so appealing,

But for nearly two weeks

I’ve heard only bed squeaks

And seen nothing but cracks in the ceiling.’

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GALLERY:

Thanks for sending that, John P.

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CORN CORNER:

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" confused

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

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People are 63% more likely to believe a made up stat if you say it confidently

This increases to 78.47 if you add a decimal

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