LAUGH

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Hello, Byters.

The parents of son Elliot’s partner, Helen, are visiting Oz from Scotland, Welcome, David and Gill, or more accurately, fàilte.

In their honour, today’s Bytes is dedicated to Scottish humour.

See you soon Dave, Gill.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Man walks into a Glasgow pub and asks for a pint of lager with a dash of lime.

"We don’t do cocktails," replies the barman.

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For those not aware (I had to look it up):

• B&Q is short for Block & Quayle, after the company's two founders, and is a British multinational DIY and home improvement retailing company.
• Leith is a port area in the north of the city of Edinburgh, Scotland.

Man lost in Edinburgh says to a policeman, "Excuse me is there a B&Q in Leith?"

Policeman replies, "No sir, but there are two Ds and two Es in Dundee."

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"In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown." - Frankie Boyle

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A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing.

Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers.

She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

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A Scottish man walks into a bar in Canada.

He notices there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what it is.

"A moose" replied the bartender

"Jesus Christ! How big are the cats here?" said the Scot.

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"We invented the phone so we're entitled to use the phone box however we see fit. If you invent something, you can piss on it" - Kevin Bridges

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A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital.

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to be outdone, the third patient responds "Some ha' meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat that want it!"

The doctor murmurs to the orderly "So this is the mental health ward?"

"Och no!" replies the orderly.

"...it's the Burns Unit!"

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An English spy, a Scottish spy and an Irish spy are captured by the Nazis.

The Nazis ask if they have any last wishes

The Irishman says "I want the Irish national anthem to be played before I die"

The Scottish man says "I want the Scottish anthem to be played on bagpipes before I die"

The Englishman says "I want to die first"

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"Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, two very different cities. When a gun goes off in Edinburgh, it's one o'clock" - Kevin Bridges

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Another explanation:

Anheuser-Busch is an American brewing company headquartered in St. Louis, Missouri. It is the world's largest brewing company and owns multiple global brands, notably Budweiser, Michelob, Stella Artois, and Beck's.

A Scottish woman visiting the U.S. walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a domestic beer. The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"

The woman, a bit confused replies " It's fine I guess...... Anheuser pecker?"

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A Scotsman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

After he hangs up, he orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 18 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 18 pounds, but the man just shrugs and says, "Aye, that's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy."

Two weeks later the Scot returns to the same bar where the bartender asks, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 18 pounds at birth...? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "14 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 18 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Glenfiddich, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...

"We had him circumcised."

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

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Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."

Archie nods approvingly.

"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.

"A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

The name 'Menzies' is pronounced MING-iss in Scotland.

By the way, Oz Prime Minister Robert Menzies was known by a nickname ‘Ming’. Menzies was proud of his Scottish heritage, and preferred his surname to be pronounced in the traditional Scottish manner (MING-iss) rather than as it is spelled (MEN-zeez). This gave rise to his nickname "Ming", which was later expanded to "Ming the Merciless" after the comic strip character.

A lively young damsel named Menzies

Inquired: "Do you know what this thenzies?"

Her aunt, with a gasp,

Replied: "It's a wasp,

And you're holding the end where the stenzies."

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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A Scot and an Irishman walked into a pub. The Scot said, "All drinks are on me!"

News headline the next morning:

IRISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND BEATEN TO DEATH BEHIND PUB

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vaul.’ He is admitted.

The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds a sawhorse. ‘Dunbar MacAuley, Scotland, hurdles.’

Paddy casts his eyes about in desperation, and seizes a random pile of barbed wire and four by twos. The guard stops him, asking who he is. ‘Paddy O’Toole, Ireland. Fencing.’

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