Bytes

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Time once again for some of my personal Fave Funnies, which are reposts from past Bytes.

Hopefully they will raise at least a chuckle or two, even if you do recall them from past posts.

Caution: risqué content included.

Enjoy, Byters.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."

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The only cow in a small twon in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approached from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they have gotten the cow. "You are truly wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

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And another Jewish goodie (I love Jewish humour). . .

(A “mitzvah” is a commandment or a moral deed performed as a religious duty).

Preparing for their religious wedding, a modern Orthodox Jewish couple met with their rabbi for counselling. Before leaving the meeting, the rabbi asked if they had any last minute questions.

"Rabbi," the man asked, "we realise that it is tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women, at the reception, but we would like to ask for your permission to dance together."

"Most definitely not!" replied the rabbi. "It is immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"Then I can't even dance with my wife after the ceremony?" asked the man.

"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It is strictly forbidden."

"Well, what about sex?" the man asked. "Is it permitted for us to finally have sex?"

"Oh, certainly," the rabbi said. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children."

"What about different positions?" the man inquired.

"That's no problem," said the rabbi. ""It's a mitzvah."

"Even with the woman on top, or doggy style?" the man asked.

"Sure," answered the rabbi. "Go for it, after all, it's a mitzvah."

"Can we even do it on the bed, with mirrors on the ceiling, a vibrator and a bottle of hot oil?" asked the man.

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah," the rabbi replied.

"What about doing it standing up?" asked the man.

"No! No!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Absolutely not! NEVER standing up!"

"Why not?" the confused man asked.

"That could lead to dancing!" the rabbi replied.

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A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's twitchin’ a little."

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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?"

He said, "Yes, I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this stuff but me."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

In summer he said she was fair,

In autumn her charms were still there,

But he said to his wife.

In the winter of life,

‘There’s no spring in your old derriere.’

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CORN CORNER:

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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet.”

“Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee.”

So with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture… fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon - every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!

“Pepe, Pepe - we ees saved - eees a bacon tree!”

“Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don’ forget.”

“Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon? Ees no meerage - ees a bacon tree.”

And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres - Pepe following closely behind - when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

“Pepe, go back man - you was right, ees not a bacon tree.”

“Luis, Luis, mi amigo… what ees eet?”

“Pepe, ees not a bacon tree… ees...

ees...

ees...

(wait for it)

... a Ham Bush.”

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Bugger me, it's that windy outside I was hanging the washing out and ended up hang-gliding when I tried to put the wife’s knickers on the line.

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My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club.

Because you'll see something, you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

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