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Son Elliot sent me a link to a Youtube video of a Canadian folk-bluegrass group called The Dead South performing a great song called In Hell I’ll Be In Good Company. Take the time to click on the following link and have a look and listen:
I love that title, also the lines:
Push, shove, a little bruised and battered
Oh Lord, I ain't coming home with you
Anyhow, it also inspires today’s Laugh theme: Hell.
A number of the items below have been posted previously but are worth another airing.
Enjoy readers, and enjoy the Dead South song and clip.
Some risqué humour ahead, though.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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By way of background:
The Minnesota Vikings are a professional American football team based in Minneapolis. They compete in the National Football League and were founded in 1960. They are named after the Vikings of medieval Scandinavia, reflecting the prominent Scandinavian American culture of Minnesota. They have not won a Super Bowl.
Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell.
The devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves and says to them ‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’ Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’
The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausages and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished and exclaims ‘Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?’ Sven replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve don’t git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve’ve yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather’s dis nice.’
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer.
The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell.
The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like madmen. The devil is dumbfounded,
‘I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now its freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two?’
They both look at the devil in surprise and say ‘Vell, don’t ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.”
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Hitler dies and goes to the gates of hell...
St. Peter is waiting for him, staring at him, judging him.
Hitler breaks the silence and asks: "Where am I?"
A bit frustrated, St. Peter responds: "Hell, Hitler."
Confused, Hitler asks again:"Ja, ja, Heil Hitler, but where am I?"
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A man is visiting a prostitute when she is noticing he seems distraught. She asks him what's bothering him.
He tells her, "I sell furniture and if the furniture business doesn't pick up soon, I'll lose my ass"
She replies, "That's a funny coincidence. If the ass business doesn't pick up soon, I'll lose my furniture!"
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A man stood at the Pearly Gate,
His face was lined and old.
He stood before the Man of Fate for admission to the fold.
“What have you done,” St. Peter asked “to gain admission here?
“I’ve been a married man,” he said, “for many and many a year.”
The Pearly Gates swung open open wide and St. Peter touched the bell,
“Come right in and choose your harp, you’ve had your share of hell.”
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There were four university students taking chemistry and all of them had an A so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but, on the way back, they had a flat tyre. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them each the 100 point exam. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tyre? ____
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A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity, a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds.
One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of the many trees and peering over the wall, is shocked to see a fire-filled field with people writhing in agony and screaming hopelessly. He is very disturbed by this sight and returns home.
The next day, the Devil pays him a visit and asks how he is enjoying eternity. The atheist says he finds Hell to be a lovely place but is concerned about the things he saw on the other side of the wall. “Oh” the Devil says, “those are Christian sinners” “But why” the man asks, “are they suffering so much while I, who didn’t believe in God at all, am here in such comfort?”
“I don’t know” the Devil replies shrugging," that’s the way they want it."
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What's the difference between Heaven and Hell?
In Heaven...
the French are the cooks
the Germans are the engineers
the British are the police
the Swiss are the managers
the Italians are the lovers
In Hell...
the British are the cooks
the French are the managers
the Italians are the engineers
the Germans are the police
the Swiss are the lovers
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A guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realised Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ohh, you’re gonna hate Fridays . . . “
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
On a maiden a man once begat,
Triplets named Nat, Pat and Tat.
‘Twas fun in the breeding
But Hell in the feeding,
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat.
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LAW & LAWYERS
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
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CORN CORNER:
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My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet..
No word yet....
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