LAUGH

---- 😊😊😊 -----

Welcome to this week’s Laugh, readers.

Last week I posted a joke that relied on a typo between rabbi and rabbit. Today the theme of rabbis is continued, with a number of the jokes coming from the vault.

Enjoy, readers.

Caution, though, there is risqué content ahead.

---- 😊😊😊 -----

SOME HUMOUR:

__________

A reporter is in Jerusalem interviewing a rabbi at the Wailing Wall and asks the rabbi what he prays for.

The rabbi says, “I pray that the Jews and the Muslims can learn to get along and love each other. I pray to have all disease eradicated and for no one to starve. I pray that one day the world may live in peace.”

“That’s beautiful,” the reporter says. “Do you think it works?”

The rabbi says, “What do you think? I’m praying to a fucking wall!”

__________

An old Jewish man is taken ill with the flu

His wife looks after him, and as he continues to worsen, she asks him if there's anything she can get to help.

"Yes, go get a priest."

"A priest? But we're Jewish!"

"What, I should make the Rabbi sick too?"

---- 😊😊😊 -----

__________

A few golden oldies (some may say mouldy oldies) here but ones that have stood the test of time, so much so that some of my faves (eg the Minsk joke) have been posted more than once.

__________

On a very windy day, a rabbi was walking along when a strong gust of wind blew his hat off his head. The rabbi ran after the hat, but the wind was too strong. It kept blowing his hat farther and farther away.

A non-Jewish young man, seeing what had happened, ran after the hat, caught it and gave it back to the rabbi. The rabbi was so grateful that he gave the young man 20 dollars and blessed him.

The young man was excited and decided to go the race track and with the rabbi's blessing, he decided to check the program and place the entire 20 dollars on a horse. After the races he went home and recounted his very exciting day to his father.

"I arrived at the fifth race and looked at the program. I saw this horse named 'Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1 but since I received the rabbi's blessing I bet the entire 20 dollars on 'Top Hat' and guess what? He won!"

"In the next race, there was a horse named 'Stetson' at 30 to 1 so I bet the entire amount of my winnings on him, and guess what ... I won again!"

"So did you bring the money home?" asked his father.

"No," said the son, "I lost it all on the last race. There was a horse named 'Chateau' that was a heavy favourite so I bet everything on him, and since 'Chateau' means 'hat' in French I figured he was a sure thing."

"You fool!" said the father. "Hat in French is 'chapeau' not 'chateau!'" Exasperated, his father then asked, "So who won the race?"

"A real long shot," said the son. "Some Japanese horse named 'Yarmulke'!"

__________

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 1000 roubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approached from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they have gotten the cow. "You are truly wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

__________

A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.

After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.

Finally the rabbi quietly observed, “Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn’t it?”

---- 😊😊😊 -----

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A yogi from far-off Beirut

For women did not give a hoot,

But his organ would stand

In a manner quite grand

When a snake-charmer played on his flute.

---- 😊😊😊 -----

RELIGION SPOT:

A Spiritual Leader lay quietly. He was dying.

The disciples had gathered around his bed and recited some holy verses trying to make his last journey divine and pleasant.

They wanted to give him warm milk to drink but he declined.

One of the disciples took the glass back to the kitchen and decided to add some brandy, considering it good for health.

He poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at the Spiritual Leader's bed, they lifted his head gently and held the glass to his lips.

The very frail man drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, he had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As his eyes brightened, the disciples thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their Spiritual Leader.

Sir....! the disciples asked earnestly, "Please, give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

He raised himself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said,

"Don't sell that cow."

---- 😊😊😊 -----

GALLERY:

The following was sent to me by John P, thanks John . . . 

. . .  and these were sent by Vince C, thanks Vince . . . 

---- 😊😊😊 -----

CORN CORNER:

__________

I dig, you dig, he dig, she dig, we dig, they dig.

It's not a long poem, but it's very deep.

__________

Farmer Dave went to see his neighbour Dan one day and when he pulled up he was was suprised to not see Dan out in the field working.

So he looked around a bit and found Dan in the barn with some R&B playing and a candlelit dinner set out by the John Deere.

Dave asked what was going on and Dan said. "Well, if you gotta know my marriage has been on the rocks a bit. We went to couples therapy and the Doc said that I'm not putting enough effort into our relationship and I need to do something sexy to a tractor."

__________

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks you, tell them it's 12345678

__________

I've got a friend whose 1/2 Indian.

Ian.

---- 😊😊😊 -----