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A mixed collection of rib ticklers and chuckles today but be warned that there is risqué content ahead. Hopefully you will enjoy them nonetheless. I know Noel does.
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SOME HUMOUR:
__________
I paid for an escort for my grandpa for his birthday. The escort went to his house and knocked on the door. When he opened the door she said ‟I am here to give you super sex.”
My grandfather replied ‟I’ll take the soup.”
__________
A genie granted me 2 out of my 3 wishes, and my third wish was for him to forget he ever met me
He replied with “I am a genie, and I shall grant you 3 wishes”
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A pastor, an imam, and a rabbit decide to donate blood.
The pastor comes out and says, “They tested it and told me I’m A positive.”
The imam follows up with, “Interesting! I found out I’m AB negative.”
The rabbit looks at the two of them and says, “Pretty sure I’m a type O.”
__________
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he jad written...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
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A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.
"Why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam.
"Because I iron better than you." answered the maid.
Silently fuming, the madam asked, "Who said that?"
"Your husband did."
Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "Is that all you have to say?"
“I cook better than you, madam."
"Who said that?"
"Your husband did."
A sense of defeat and humiliation overflowed within madam, but she was still unwilling to admit defeat.
"Is that all?" asked the madam hesitantly.
"I have sex better than you, madam." answered the maid.
With a seething rage and trembling voice, the madam asked, "Did my husband say that?"
The maid answered, "No, the gardener did."
"Oh, so how much do you want?"
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Two wrestlers an American and a Russian were the finalists in the Olympic wrestling event.
The American coach gave instructions to his star wrestler: "Beware of the Russian and his famous hold - the pretzel. No one has ever got out of that hold!"
The match begins and the Russian finally gets an advantage on the American, putting him in the dreaded pretzel hold.
The spectators start to get up to leave. The coach can't bear to look.
Suddenly there is a blood curdling scream and the Russian goes flying across the canvas, and the American wrestler feebly crawls over and pins him for the title.
Later the American coach asked, "How did you get out of that hold?"
The wrestler responds, "Well I knew I was dead meat when he got me in that hold. I opened my eyes and through the blur I could see these big pink testicles.
So I stretched my neck with all my might and I bit down on those babies just as hard as I could.
It's amazing how much strength you can come up with when you bite your own balls!"
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
A lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
When they asked her its size
She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
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RELIGION SPOT:
Jesus walks into a bar…
… and orders “Twelve glasses of water please.”
*** WINKS AT DISCIPLES ***
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GALLERY:
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CORN CORNER:
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My friend told me she lost a hundred pounds. But why is she so sad about it?
I can’t understand Brits sometimes.
__________
When you pull a pin out of a grenade, how do you put it back?
Urgent and quick answers, plea
__________
I am a man who was once trapped in a woman's body
Then I was born
__________
I only seem to get sick on weekdays...
I must have a weekend immune system.
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There was a very wealthy Count named Carl
He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from.
One day, some law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanding to know where it was coming from. Count Carl refused to tell them, however.
So eventually they threatened him with execution. Count Carl insisted that he would take the secret of his wealth to the grave, even when they dragged him up to the stage and commanded him to lay his head on the block.
The executioner raised the hatchet high and Count Carl yelled, “Wait, I’ll tell you! I-“
SPLAT!
The hatchet came down and severed Count Carl’s head from his body, taking the secret of his wealth with him.
“Just goes to show,” murmured the executioner, “never hatchet your counts before they chicken.”
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