LAUGH

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A mixed collection of humour today, Byters, in the second edition of Laugh. 

Enjoy.

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A rich man, after 50 years of marriage, looked at his wife and said:

“50 years ago, we had a small house and an old car. We slept on the couch and watched a small black-and-white TV, but every night I went to bed with a beautiful 19-year-old girl. Now I have a huge expensive house, many expensive cars, a huge bed in a luxurious bedroom, and a wide-screen color TV, but I share a bed with a 69-year-old woman. I'm starting to doubt my marriage.”

His wife replied:

“You can find yourself a 19-year-old girl, and I will make sure that you live again in a small house, sleep on a sagging sofa, and watch black-and-white TV.”

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I’m ok with trans women competing in women’s sports.

As long as I’m allowed to bet.

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I bought this canary bird some time ago and it kept pecking at my blinds, which was costing me hundreds to continually replace.

I went to the vet and asked for advice.

The vet told me to file off the bird’s beak ever so slightly, but that if I file it off too far it will not be able to pick up its food and it will die.

A couple weeks passed and I saw my vet on the street. He asked me how it worked with my bird.

"The bird died," I replied.

He shook his head and said "You filed the beak off too far, didn't you?"

"No," I replied. "It was dead when I took it out of the vice"

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And whilst on that topic:

Dennis, a carpet fitter, had just finished laying a carpet for Mrs Smith. He popped outside out for a smoke, only to realise that he had mislaid his cigarettes. He retraced his steps and saw in the middle of the room, under the carpet, what appeared to be a small lump.

'No sense in taking up the entire carpet for one pack of cigs,' Dennis muttered to himself. So he took get out his hammer and flattened the hump with a couple of sharp blows.

Dennis began tidying up when Mrs Smith came into the room and handed him his cigarettes. 'I found them in the hallway.' she said, 'Now,' she continued, looking around the room imploringly, 'if only I could my canary.'

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Danny is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit.

There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, so Danny and his friends start snacking on them.

When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts."

Grandma says "You're welcome. Eat all you want. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off 'em."

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(This one is for Thomas and Jess, they will know why).

The National Roads and Motoring Association (NRMA) found over 2000 dead crows on the Sturt Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The NRMA then hired an ornithological behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The ornithological behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a lookout crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Bike"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young girl from Bryn Mawr

Who committed a dreadful faux pas;

She loosened a stay

On her decollete,

Thus exposing her je ne sais quoi.

Bryn Mawr is a community on the outskirts of Philadelphia. The name is pronounced Brin Mar.

Je ne sais quoi is a French phrase that translates to 'I don't know what' and means a pleasing quality that cannot be exactly named or described.

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RELIGION SPOT:

Why is it ironic that Jesus was a carpenter?

Because his name are the two words that you say right after you hit your thumb with a hammer.

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Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake. They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim to the shore.

Back on land the Pope asks Jesus and Chuck Norris how they were both able to walk on the water.

Jesus replies with "Oh, I should have told you about the rocks which are close to the surface of the water."

Chuck Norris then asks "What rocks?"

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LAW AND LAWYERS:

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go.

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CORN CORNER:

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What makes a pirate angry?

When someone steals their p.

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In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

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Mountains aren’t funny.

They’re hill areas.

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A friend had a new baby girl.

His coworker asked: "What's her name?"

My friend replied: "Melanie Noelle."

His coworker: "How do you spell it, then?"

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