LAUGH

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Byters, there will be no more Funny Friday.

No, wait, don’t get upset, it’s just a name change. Let me explain.

Once I post an item, the blog server determines when it is sent out, usually in the morning our time, about 9.30am. For that reason I have, in the past, posted after midnight, that way it appears on the blog and is sent out via emails to subscribers on the same day and date.

Lately, however, I have been posting at various times before midnight, much more convenient but it means that anyone looking at the blog sees it on the day of posting, subscribers see it the next day. This gets confusing when people see a Funny Friday post on Thursdays.

So say goodbye to Funny Friday and hello to Laugh.

And what better theme for today, in that case, than change.

Let me know how you like Laugh, Byters.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A climate scientist and a climate change denier walk into a bar. The denier says, bartender, show me your strongest whiskey. The bartender says, this one here. It’s 95 percent alcohol. The denier slams down his fist and leaves the bar in a hurry. The scientist says, you know, that’s the problem with these guys. You show them the proof, and they still don’t buy it.

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Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Don't mind me, I'll sit in the dark. You kids go have your fun.

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Q: How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

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Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life from out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes your life forever.

We call these people cops.

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My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.

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How many sovereign citizens does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why are you asking me? Am I being detained?!?

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Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

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Despite the claim below that this was an exam question, it began life as an item of humour in the 1920’s, see:

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/hell-endothermic-exothermic/

It is still funny and worth sharing . . .

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions existing in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then Number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

By:

Conrad Aiken (1889 – 1973), American writer and poet, honoured with a Pulitzer Prize and a National Book Award. He was United States Poet Laureate from 1950 to 1952. His published works include poetry, short stories, novels, literary criticism, a play, and an autobiography. And a limerick. . .

It's time to make love, douse the glim;

The fireflies twinkle and dim;

The stars lean together

Like birds of a feather,

And the loin lies down with the limb.

Alternative version:

It is time to make love, douse the glim;

The evening sky becomes dim.

The stars will soon peep

As the birds fall asleep;

And the loin shall lie down with the limb.

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GALLERY:

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RELIGION SPOT:

Q: Why did Jesus change St Peter’s name?

A: Because otherwise everyone would listen to what Simon says, and not what Jesus says.

(When Jesus met Peter, his name was Simon. Jesus changed his name to Peter, which means “rock”:

John 1:42

“He brought Simon to Jesus, who looked at him and said, ‘You are Simon son of John. You are to be called Cephas’ (which is translated Peter).”

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A pastor was on his way home and on the way decided to stop at a church member's house.

After ringing the doorbell, the pastor was sure that he saw movement inside the house. He rung the doorbell again, and the pastor noticed someone moving quickly from one room to another. The pastor took from his pocket a "Several Steps to Becoming a Christian" pamphlet, and quickly scrawled on it 'Revelation 3:20, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock"', left it wedged in the door, and left.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that the pamphlet was on the plate. Under what the pastor wrote was written 'Genesis 3:10: "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked, and I hid myself".'

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CORN CORNER:

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A colon can change the meaning of a sentence completely

For example:

Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

Vs.

Jane ate her friend's colon.

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I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the colour of the baby.

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My town's population never changes.

Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

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A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you for anything, can I!