FUNNY THURSDAY

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Yes, I know that it's onlyThursday but in keeping with past Bytes tradition, I am posting irreverent humour, especially humour about Easter and Jesus, on Thursday rather than Good Friday.

There are jokes and cartoons about Easter, some from past Bytes and some new, but they had me chuckling again and hopefully will do the same for you.

As usual, a caution that there is risque humour ahead, as well as irreverent content.

I fgure that I am going to be smited, smitten, smote, smoted (whqt is the right word??) anyway so what the heck.

In any event, remember the lyrics to Billy Joel's Only the Good Die Young:

And they say there's a heaven for those who will wait
Some say it's better, but I say it ain't
I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints
The sinners are much more fun

So have some fun with Funny Thursday, whether you are sinners or saints.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A man says casually to his wife, "I heard a rumour that the mailman has slept with every woman on our street, except for one."

The wife sniffs and says, "I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12."

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To surprise her hubby, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gents, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

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A woman is swiping through Tinder at work. Her co-worker says: "Honey, you ain't never gonna find your husband on Tinder."

"You may be right," she replied. "I found yours, though."

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SOME EASTER HUMOUR:

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Arnold Schwarzenegger was upset that his mum never got him any Easter eggs.

She said, "I thought that you didn't like Easter anymore!"

Arnie replied, "I still love Easter, baby!"

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Jesus in a conversation:

Jesus: What do people call the day i was crucified?

Other person: Good Friday. We call it "Good Friday".

Jesus: What?? Well, how do you celebrate my resurrection?

Other person: We eat chocolate bunnies.

Jesus: No!! Okay, then what do you do on my birthday?

Other person: Aren't you God? WTF are you asking me for?

Jesus: Okay, you're gonna hate me for this, but... what does "wtf" mean?

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Okay so we know about Jesus when he was a baby, and jesus when he was an adult, but does the Bible ever mention his rebellious teenage years?

‘Jesus, go feed the donkey.’

‘You're not my real father.'

The ground shakes a little and a voice comes down from the sky:

‘DO WHAT YOUR STEPFATHER SAYS YOU LITTLE SHIT.'

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Jesus, in Heaven, after the crucifixion: “They were horrible, Dad, I’m not going back there.”

God (rubbing his neck): “See, the thing is . . . “

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Can anyone help me with my Easter crossword puzzle?

2 across. "Where they nailed Jesus."

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How to make Easter easier - replace the t with an i.

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I'm combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I'm sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven't hidden.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

An eclectic young cleric named Casey

Favours underthings pink, frilly and lacy.

Though his vows are quite strict

They don’t seem to conflict

With his sex life, both DC and AC.

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GALLERY:

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RELIGION SPOT:

Jesus may have walked on water,

But Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.

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CORN CORNER:

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A patient walks into a therapist's room . . .

Patient: I'm scared of single letters.

Therapist: Oh? Why?

Patient: screams

Therapist: Oh. Oh, I see.

Patient: screaming intensifies.

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Someone told me that if you hold up a Shell you can hear the sea.

All I got was 6 years for armed holdup.

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I think we should stop turning normal names like "Karen" into slurs

It's a real Dick move.

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I wasn't going to visit my family this Easter, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

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