FUNNY FRIDAY

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Some Friday humour with a religious bent, but as usual a caution that there is some risque content included.

Enjoy, Byters.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted.

For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too.

And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."

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A wise man once said . . .

“Suck my tongue”

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When my wife starts to sing, I always go outside and do some garden work....

so our neighbours can see there's no domestic violence going on.

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After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

"Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto the weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight, so sit back, relax and... OH, MY GOD1 A scream then silence followed, Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you, while I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!".

One Irish passenger yelled... "For Christ's sake you should see the back of mine!!!"

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Did you hear about that weird religious leader going around French kissing alpacas?

You know, the Dalai Llama

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The Dalai Lama walked into a pizzeria. . .

He asked them to make him one with everything.

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How does the Dalai Lama send emails?

With no attachments.

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A man is on a quest for true enlightenment. His travels led him to sit with the Dalai Lama.

Man: Sir, do you have the answer for enlightenment?

The religious figure walks away but comes back with a bottle and a duck.

He hands both to the man and tells him,

"The day you can find the answer to put the duck into the bottle without harming it, you will find true enlightenment. I will come visit you in one week's time and check on your progress."

One week later, the man is visited again by the Dalai Lama. The man has had no luck, just is staring at the two. Bags are forming under his eyes.

"Sir, I cannot do this."

The Dalai Lama laughs and says,

"I will give you two weeks more."

Then he leaves.

Two weeks later, the man is exhausted. Charts and chalkboards are filled out and thrown around the room. He has textbooks littered everywhere from him researching physics, chemistry, any other subject he can think of that might give a hint to an answer. Alas, the man finds none.

The Dalai Lama laughs and tells the man that in one month, he will return again.

Another month passes, the Dalai Lama is walking to the house when he sees the man on his porch, smoking a cigar, drinking a scotch, and chuckling when he sees the man who gave him the duck and bottle close to two months prior.

The Dalai Lama looks at him and smiles.

"I see you found the answer, my child?"

The man grins and yells,

"Not my duck, not my bottle, not my fucking problem!"

(True enlightenment, readers).

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Taking a wee break from the golf course, a famous golfer was on tour in Scotland where he wasn't well known and stopped with his Mercedes at a petrol station.

An attendant greets him with typical Scottish hospitality, unaware who the golf pro is: "Top o' the mornin to ya."

As the golfer gets out of the car two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies the golfer.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Scotsman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies the golf pro.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything.”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A concert conductor in Rio

Fell in love with a lady called Cleo;

As she took down her panties,

He said: "No andantes!

I want it allegro con brio!"

Andante: a musical term meaning moderately slow

Allegro con brio: a musical term meaning fast tempo and with spirit

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time."

As he said this, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!"

And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark.

Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend.

As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached.

It took a while, but eventually Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more.

With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."

Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner."

Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed...

I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian."

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Wife: Okay. Here’s what’s got to change. I’m sick of you saying I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers!

Husband: I never knew you sold flowers!

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