FUNNY FRIDAY

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Yesterday I posted a collection of puns (What’s the noun for a collection of puns? A punnet?), which inspired David G to send me an email:

Otto

I got really worried!

Thought it must be Friday.

David

Think of it as an entrée for Funny Friday, David.

It is also the inspiration for today’s theme: confusion.

Be warned, there is risque content ahead, which is not confusing.

Enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my Mum’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?

__________

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

Then the judge turns his head to the man and asks: "She said her side of things. Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The man sits in his chair and slowly drinks from a can of Coke, then he holds up the empty can in his hand and says, "Was this my Coke or my ex wife's Coke?" Confused, the judge says "I believe that was your Coke". The wife is also confused and the judge looks over at her and asks "Was that your Coke?" The ex wife says, "No, it was his Coke."

The man looks at the judge and says, "Good, we all agree. So when I put money in a Coke machine and a Coke pops out, the Coke is mine not the Coke machine's, correct?"

__________

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

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I hate that September, October, November, and December are somehow the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th months of the calendar year

Whoever messed that up ought to be stabbed.

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I think "Scarborough Fair" is Simon & Garfunkel's most haunting song

To this day, I still wonder, "Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?"

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Hitler dies and goes to the gates of Hell.

St. Peter is waiting for him, staring at him, judging him.

Hitler breaks the silence and asks: "Vhere am I?"

A bit frustrated, St. Peter responds: "Hell, Hitler."

Confused, Hitler asks again: "Ja, ja, Heil Hitler, but vhere am I?"

__________

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing.

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him.

The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be.

The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”

The officers look confused and ask him to elaborate.

“It’s really strange but whenever I leave things on this coffee table they disappear and reappear somewhere else. When I leave take away containers on it, they disappear and reappear in the trash. When I leave dirty plates and mugs on it, they disappear and reappear in the cupboards washed, dried and stacked neatly and even when I leave my dirty clothes on it, they disappear and reappear cleaned and neatly folded on my bed”

The female police officer looks at the man and says: “Oh my god, you’re an idiot. No wonder your girlfriend has left you.”

And the male officer says “I don’t think she’s left him. I think he’s right. I’ve got the same coffee table at my house”

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A doctor gave an elderly patient suffering from haemorrhoids a script for suppositories.

When he met the old man in the street he asked whether the suppositories had had any effect.

“Nahh,” said the old man. "For all the good they did, I might as well have shoved them up my arse.”

 

Bonus item from the vault:

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

- “John,” the new seaman replied.

- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

- “Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”

- “Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed.

- “Darling, My name is John Darling, Master Chief.”

- “Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do ….”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Last week I posted a limerick about a lady from Georgia, of questionable virtue, and of her escapades at Fort Benning. I dedicated it to Byter Tim B, a regular contributor, who hails from that State.

He wrote:

Evening Otto,

I thought the limerick was actually quite good. I was in the Air Force and used to drop Ft Benning Army paratroopers out of the back of a C-130 aircraft. I think I met that Georgia peach a few times in the Ju-Wan Night Club down on Victory Drive a few times. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

I so enjoy Bytes, keep up the good work and take care,

Tim B

The next day Tim sent me another email:

Evening Otto,

I occasionally send your Bytes to my lawyer brother, who loves British humor, as I do. Thought you might enjoy his limerick.

Tim B

The email from Tim's brother, Reg, read:

Hilarious letter. I love British humor. Also like limericks. Your friend’s is pretty good. I’ve composed one he might like.

There once was a girl in Australia

Who dressed in the finest regalia

She said I confess

I always undress

For men who have large genitalia

Tim, let Reg know that that explains why we have so many undressed women here.

Some other Oz limericks . . .

There was a young man of Australia

Who painted his bum like a dahlia.

The drawing was fine,

The colour divine

But the scent – ah! that was a failure.

There was a young girl of Australia,
Who went to a dance as a dahlia,
When the petals uncurled,
It revealed to the world,
That as clothing the dress was a failure.

A young bride and groom of Australia
Remarked as they joined genitalia:
"Though the system seems odd,
We are thankful that God
Developed the genus Mammalia."

Thanks, Tim. Thanks, Reg.

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CORN CORNER:

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Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch…

Yeti never complains.

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I was so confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They blessed the rains down in Africa.

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I was confused when my printer started making music

Until i realised the paper was jamming.

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I decided to celebrate pride month but I got confused.

What the hell am I going to do with 15 lions?

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Girl to jeweller: Excuse me, where do you get those gold necklaces with the “t” on it?

Man: That’s a cross

Girl: Across from where?

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