Bytes

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Whilst driving to work yesterday morning I encountered various works and roadworks with a plethora of signs. That started me thinking of signs, messages and the like so that is also the theme for today’s Funny Friday.

Enjoy.

Caution: some risque content

Stephen Coard, 50, sits along Currie St in the Adelaide CBD with a sign 'Smile. It's free' and promotes positivity every morning.

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SOME HUMOUR:

A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter. The grocer used to sell butter for 50 pence a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

However the grocer soon changed his sign to

Butter: 46p

This went on for days until the supermarket was advertising butter for ONLY 10p but the grocer still beat it:

Butter: 9p

The supermarket owner was now losing a lot of money by selling butter this cheap and went next door to the grocer to see if they could work out a deal. However the grocer wasn't too concerned and didn't want to.

The supermarket owner said "I can't understand how you can survive selling butter this cheap, I pay 40p each for it and so I'm losing 30p on every sale!".

The grocer said "Oh, I'm only losing 1p on every sale, I just buy it from you".

_________

Got a speeding ticket the other day. There was this sign that said "Construction 35mph ahead".

I figured, I had four people in the car ...

_________

Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each".

Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sell 'em, and make a fortune! Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl, so's they don't know we is from Arkansas."

They enter the store. Then, with his best fake Texas drawl, Dale says "I'll take 50 of them suits at $10, 100 of them there shirts at $2, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $3. I'll back up my pickup and... "

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You all are from Arkansas, ain't ya?"

"Well, yeah," says a surprised Dale, "how come y'all knowed that?"

The shop owner replies...

"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."

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Four rabbis are debating scripture out in the garden, and one of them notices he's continuously outvoted by the other three even though he's absolutely certain he's right. At a certain point, his frustration gets the best of him and he stands up, raises his hands and and says "My Lord, you must know that this is the right way, give us a sign to let us know!"

As soon as he has spoken, a cloud materialises out of nowhere, moves in front of the sun and dissolves again.

The other three look at him, at each other, go "Well... That was certainly unusual, but the weather's been acting up a bit lately, so this does not really mean anything", and just continue with the discussion unmoved.

The fourth rabbi, increasingly desperate, again stands up and calls out "My Lord, they continue to defy your word, please send another sign to help them see the error of their ways!"

This time, it's not just one cloud, but the entire sky darkens, a thunderclap sounds and a bolt of lightning hits just next to the other three rabbis. They're startled, but after catching their breath conclude that no, you don't see that every day, but it's late summer, thunderstorms can come in surprisingly quickly, we're out in an open garden, there's no lightning rod on top of the synagogue even though there really should be, etc. So this still doesn't mean anything, we'll stick with our viewpoints thank you very much.

Now absolutely livid and still outvoted, the fourth rabbi gets up one final time, stamps his feet, raises his hands and shouts "Oh Lord, you who created all, for the love of your people and the ways of the world, make your will known, so that it must be clear even to these stubborn mules!"

And a booming voice fills the sky, “HE IS CORRECT!!”

The other three rabbis look up, look down to their colleague, and finally one says:

"That's still three against two.”

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A priest and a rabbi are standing at the side of the road holding a sign that says "Turn around. The end is nigh." A young man passing by in a car leans out to shout at them, "Get fucked you religious freaks" and races away. Moments later they hear a yell and a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says "I told you, we should have just said 'Warning. Bridge collapsed.' "

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A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says “Falklands War Veteran”

A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, “It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it’s like. Maybe this will help you out.” He then gives the man a rather large stack of cash.

The busker is overjoyed, and as the well-dressed man walks away, he tells him, “Muchas gracias, señor!”

_________

An email from Grandma:

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a “Honk if you really love Jesus” bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn’t notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, “Jesus Christ!” as loud as he could.

Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, “Go, Jesus Christ, Go”! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas.

It’s a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon,

Love, grandma

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