FUNNY FRIDAY

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Welcome to Funny Friday readers.

Some stutter humour today, for no other reason than that I came across a stutter joke and have added some more.

Hopefully I will not be taken to task for disability shaming.

Enjoy the weekend Byters.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student.

The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir."

"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.

The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out by Birth Certificate was an asshole."

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Two men go fishing, one has a stutter.

The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “What is it, did you catch a fish?” The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “Spit it out.” The stuttering man says “Ssshhh ship!!” Before the second man can react, a ship crashes into their boat.

Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip.

The stuttering man again starts saying “Ssshhh.” The second man starts panicking, thinking he’s going to get hurt again. He jumps out of the boat as fast as he can, just as the stuttering man says “Sshhh sshhh Shark!!”

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I just found out that my grief counselor died.

Luckily, he was so good at his job, I don't really give a toss.

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A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-wher's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy storms away in anger after not being answered.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the muscular guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk replies, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I’m s-s-s-stupid?”

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A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

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Did you hear about the man with a stutter who went to the shop for a Mars Bar?

He came back with 50 packs of M & M's

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The President turned to one of his advisors, who happened to be Jewish, and asked, "How come Jews are always so well informed?"

Advisor: "What do you mean sir?"

The President: "It just seems that Jews are always up on the latest news. How do they do it?"

Advisor: "An interesting observation. It could be because when Jews go to the synagogue to daven (pray), they always turn to the person sitting next to them and say "Nu?" (What's up?).

The President: "What? Is it that simple?"

Advisor: "I think so sir."

President: "Well, let's put it to the test. Take me to the nearest Synagogue."

The two board a limousine and are driven to the nearest Synagogue. Once inside, the President sits down among the congregation next to an elderly Jewish man. He looks around, then turns to the man and says softly, "Nu?"

The elderly man leans toward him and replies, "You know, I hear the President is going to daven with us today."

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LAW & LAWYERS

Also from the vault . . .

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked "What's the catch?"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

“Given faith,” sighed the Vicar of Deneham,

“From the lusts of the flesh we might wean ‘em.

But the human soul sighs

For a nice pair of thighs

And a little of what lies between ‘em.”

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GALLERY:

From John P . . . 

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CORN CORNER:

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My girlfriend broke up with me because I am a compulsive gambler

Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back

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Jane: I miss England.

Tarzan: I not know you a beauty contest winner.

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A guy asks his Roman friend what size a shirt is.

He looks at the XL on the tag and says, "it's a size 40."

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Which us a good reason to post another couple of Roman jokes . . .

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A bunch of Romans walk into a bar in Rome, one Roman holds up two fingers to the barman..

“5 beers”.

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I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.

Not on my watch.

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Pirate Ship Captain: Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: Aye aye captain.

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My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals.

I told her I hope she gets a "C".

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When the Romans Conquered Britain in the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issue was that many bars were of inferior quality, possessing too much tin which resulted in brittle bronze. The merchants of course would say that they had been told it was good quality, whereas the forgers would report that it had been imperfect batches sold at discounted rates to which the merchants were the ones being fraudulent by trying to sell it at full price.

Gnaeus Julius Agricola, leader of the Roman settlements at the time, made a ruling forbidding merchants from selling raw metal forcing the tradesmen to buy directly from the miners.

This was the first codified example known of the "He who smelt it, dealt it," rule.

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