FUNNY FRIDAY

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Hello again Byters.

Tonight (it gets posted at night, sent out by blog in the morning) I am somewhat pressed for time and also lacking in the inspiration department. But fear not, you shall not be deperived of your Funny Friday Frolicking, instead the whole of the post features items from the past, mostly from 2010. The limerick is fresh, however.

Be warned, there is risque content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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There had been an orgy at Vallhalla. The next morning there are prone bodies around the place and quite a bit of disarray. As the bleary eyed God of Thunder tries to get up from a pile of people, a nearby hungover goddess raises her head and and says “Who are you?”

“I’m Thor,” he replied.

“You’re thore?” she says. “I'm tho thore I can hardly pith"

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The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a small high school in central Ontario. The letter was sent to the principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the local County Home for the Aged.

My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it.

Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It was so sad.

Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine.

I told her to fuck off.

Bless you.

Sincerely,

Edna Johnson

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At dawn the telephone rings:

"Hello, Senor Rod? This issa Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Umm, I just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he issa dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"

"Si, Senor, this issa the one."

Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"He issa eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He issa eat the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he issa die from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we issa use to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle issa fall and the curtains issa caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a bloody candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She issa showed up very late one night and I issa thinking she issa a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE..

"Ernesto, if you broke that bloody driver, you're in deep shit!"

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LAW & LAWYERS

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A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. The farmer had noticed that his prize cow was missing from a field that the railroad passed through and filed suit against the railroad company for the price of the cow.

The case was to be tried before a JP in a backroom of the general store, and the attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to have him settle out of court. Finally the farmer agreed to take 50 percent of what he wanted.

After the farmer signed the release and took the cheque, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little. He told the farmer, "I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train ran through your property that morning. I didn't have a single witness to put on the stand."

The farmer replied, "Well, I have to tell you, I was also worried about the outcome if it went to court myself. You see, the damn cow came home this morning."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

It seems I impregnated Marge,

So I do rather feel, by and large,

Some dough should be tendered

For services rendered,

But I can’t quite decide what to charge.

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GALLERY:

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RELIGION SPOT:

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Old man Cohen is getting along in years. He decides to retire and let his 3 sons run the company, which manufactures a wide variety of nails. The sons think that they can increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.

A week later the old man is taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he sees a huge billboard ad with a picture of Christ on the Cross. The caption reads "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Cohen’s Nails."

The old man immediately meets with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He tells themn that the backlash could be horrendous and that he wants to see noi further ads showing Christ crucified. The sons agree to do so.

A week later the old man is again taking his usual Sunday drive when he sees a billboard with a picture of the same cross, empty. The caption reads “If they had used Cohen’s Nails, He would still be there.”

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A burglar breaks into an apartment. He's sure that nobody is home, but just in case he keeps all of the lights off. As he is moving around with a torch, a voice says "I can see you and so can Jesus.” The burglar freezes on the spot, shines his torch around but doesn’t see anyone.

A few minutes pass and the voice comes again, "I can see you and so can Jesus.” The burglar again pauses and shines his torch around. This time he spots a parrot in he corner. "I can see you and so can Jesus.”

"What would you know," says the burglar, "You're just a fucking parrot!"

"Yeah, I may be a fucking parrot," replies the bird, "but Jesus is a fucking Doberman."

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At a revival meeting the preacher is promoting faith healing. “If you believe, you will be healed. All it takes is faith. Believe that the Lord Jesus Christ will cure you and His love will make you whole. Is there anyone here who wants to be healed?”

A little old lady in the front row raises her hand and he calls her on stage. She makes her way slowly on her crutches. He asks her name and she says “Mrs Smith.” He asks whether she has faith and she replies “Yes”. The preacher says “Then go behind the curtain, Mrs Smith, and you will be healed.”

He asks again if anyone else wants healing. Bily Bloggs raises his hand and says “Neth.” He too is called onstage and asked his name/ It is obvious that he has a speech defect resulting from a cleft palate when he says “Nilly Noggs.” Again the preacher asks “Do you have faith?” and receives an answer from Billy Bloggs, “Neth.” “Then go behind the curtain and you too will be healed.”

“Mrs Smith, throw out your crutch.”

A crutch is thrown over the curtain.

“Mrs Smith, throw out your right crutch.”

As the congregation chants and praises the Lord, with many Hallelujahs, the other crutch came over the curtain.

“Now, Billy Bloggs, have faith, speak to me.”

From behind the curtain comes Billy Bloggs' voice, “Mithith Nith juth fallen on ner arth.”

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In a bush church one Sunday morning a preacher asks: ''Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.''

With that, Dave gets in line and when it is his turn the preacher asks: ''Dave, what do you want me to pray about for you?'' Dave replies: ''Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.''

The preacher puts one finger of one hand in Dave's ear, places his other hand on top of Dave's head and then prays and prays and the whole congregation joins in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks: ''Dave, how is your hearing now?''

Dave answers: ''I don't know. It isn't until Thursday.''

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