FUNNY FRIDAY

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A mixed bag of humour today, presented for your enjoyment and amusement.

Enjoy, readers, but a caution that there is risqué content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.

If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.

When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

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I ate an expired can of alphabet soup...

Now I have severe cramps in my vowels and I've been in-consonant all day

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How does Gordon Ramsay discern a leopard from a jaguar?

ITS FUCKING ROAR!

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A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue, I think? I never really noticed.

Officer: What’s the colour of her hair?

Man: Well, that changes all the time depending on the hair dresser she goes to.

Officer: what clothes was she wearing the last time you saw her?

Man: Could’ve been a red dress? Maybe a blue one? I don’t know exactly.

Officer: when she left to go somewhere, did she go by car?

Man: Yeah, she did.

Officer: What was the make of that car?

Man: it’s a high performance 560 horse power Audi in a very specific grey silver metallic paint. It has 8 speed paddle shift automatic transition and a 6.35 litre v12 engine generating at least 560 horse power. It has a z51 super performance package, larger than normal alloy wheels, gt bucket seats, satellite navigation. And unfortunately… a little thin scratch on the front left door handle.

Officer: Don’t worry, sir. We’ll find your car.

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A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam,” he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400".

“How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord" he sobbed.                                                                                                            _________                                                                                                                     

Just been into my local cafe and asked for a BLT, it took a while but eventually a bi-sexual, a lesbian and a transgender turned up to help me with my order.

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All the Merry Men, and Maid Marion, gathered around Robin Hood’s deathbed, waiting for the inevitable end. Manfully, heroically, Robin struggled up and croaked "Little John, fetch me my long bow. I will fire an arrow out the window and wherever it lands, that’s where you will bury me.”

Deeply moved, they placed the bow and arrow in his trembling fingers, propped him up and faced him towards Sherwood Forest. And with an immense effort, Robin aimed and fired. And so it came to pass that they buried him on top of the wardrobe.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

(for the purpose of this limerick, Erksine is pronounced Air Skin)

There once was a lady of Erskine

Who had a remarkable fair skin.

When I said to her ‘Mabel,

You look well in sable,’

She replied, ‘I look best in my bearskin.’

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

I stole a revolver made out of gelatine.

Once the cops found me I was charged for carrying a congealed weapon.

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I sell security door to door

If no one is home, I leave a pamphlet on their kitchen table.

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A truck carrying synonym dictionaries has had an accident on the highway.

From the other cars, the passengers were shocked, tormented, amazed, incredulous, confused, paralyzed, stunned, bewildered, perplexed, amazed, dumbfounded, dumbstruck.

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Forgive me father, priest, preacher, reverend,

for I have synonymed.

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This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm".

I said, "It's sedate."

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