Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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A selection of humour from around the world . . .

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Scotland:

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to be outdone, the third patient responds "Some ha' meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat that want it!"

WThe doctor murmurs to the orderly "So this is the Mental Health Ward?"

"Och no!" replies the orderly.

"...it's the Burns Unit!"

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USA:

What do you call a bee that lives in America?

A USB.

The other day I was arrested for pretending I was an American politician!

All I was doing was just sitting there doing nothing.

Why do Native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.

“Two dogs, please,” she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.” One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.

Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”

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Germany:

A drunk German is urinating on a bush.

An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, “Gross!”

The German says, “Danke!”

(Comment: “Gross” in German means big)

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Poland:

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks "Can you read this?”

"Read it?”, the Pole replies,”I know the guy!”

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Ireland:

A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding on a train.

The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.

The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.

The old Dutch woman thinks: "He must have groped the young Swedish woman, and she slapped him."

The young Swedish woman thinks: "He must have tried to grope me, and accidentally got the old woman, and she slapped him."

The Englishman thinks: "The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl, and she accidentally slapped me."

The Irishman thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."

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England:

An English man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins. The juggler notices they’re having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, “Can you see me now?”

They answer one at a time: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

(Comment: The joke is that they all say yes, but the difference in pronunciation and language produce a sentence sounding like "yes, we see you".)

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Mexico:

What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer?

Arriba McEntire.

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Australia:

I just watched an Aussie cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised... Usually Aussies boo meringue.

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New Zealand:

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke? The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks." "The guy next to me is 1.85m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock." "Next to him is a bloke who's 2m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower.

Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The Aussie bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African walk into a restaurant.

“I’m sorry,” said the maître d’, “but you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

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