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Friday again, time to smile, not only for the end of the working week (for most of us) but also because it’s time for Funny Friday.
Some items about dogs this week in recognition of both our boys becoming ill between Christmas and New Year, needing stays in the animal hospital. They’re okay now, thankfully.
Enjoy the weekend, readers.
Caution: some risqué content ahead.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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Non PC joke, but only a joke . . .
If you want to know who really loves you, lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car…
Let them out three hours later and see who’s happy to see you.
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Another non PC joke, topical because of the current controversy over news that the NSW Premier wore a Nazi uniform to his 21st fancy dress birthday party . . . and because my friend Steve Matthews has published the third novel in the Nazi trilogy, this one speculating Hitler may not have died in the bunker. Read about that book at:
Years ago a specially chartered Lufthansa flight arrives at Buenos Airport. It taxis away from the main terminal and, under cover of darkness, a number of shadowy figures emerge. They immediately pile into a Mercedes and are driven off into the night. They arrive at an impressive mansion outside of town purchased some years earlier by the local BMW agent. The men knock nervously on the door. After a time, steps approach. The door opens and reveals an old man with a familiar lock of hair dangling over the forehead, except after all these years the lock is thin and grey.
‘Yes?’
‘Mein Fuhrer,’ says the spokesman, ‘we have come to beg you to return to Berlin, to lead your people in the Fourth Reich!’
‘No,’ snarls the old man, ‘been there, done that.’
‘But, Mein Fuhrer, the entire population is ready for you. The neo-Nazi movement has never been stronger.’
‘The German people were not worthy of me,’ snarls the old man.
‘True, Mein Fuhrer. But now a United Germany is ready to follow you anywhere, to fulfill your greatest dream.’
The old man ruminates. He talks about having a peaceful, private life with Eva and the great grandchildren, about how well BMW sales are going. But, finally, he is prevailed upon.
Then he makes one proviso. ‘Okay, but this time, no more Mr Nice Guy.
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A man walks into a library, goes to the librarian, and says "I'm looking for a book called 'Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat".
The librarian says "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's there or not".
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A guy is having dinner at his girlfriend’s parents’ house, for the first time. He’s really enjoying his dinner, when all of a sudden, he accidentally breaks wind.
The dad looks under the table and says, " Rover, get outta there."
The guy is relieved that the dog was blamed and decides it’s safe to let out another. . . "ppppffftttt"
The dad looks under the table again and with a real angry voice shouts" “ROVER!!! Get outta there."
The guy doesn’t want to get the dog in anymore trouble, so he decides not to fart again.
After the dinner, they are all having dessert and coffee. The guy’s stomach is going nuts with wind that’s been brewing for a while. So he decides to let it go. . . "PPPPFFFFTTTT"
The dad looks under the table and yells " ROVER get outta there before he shits on ya!”
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Bonus “From the Vault” item . . .
An oldie but a goodie:
A woman walks in to a tattoo parlour and tells the artist she would like two tattoos, one of Matt Damon on her left upper thigh and one of George Clooney on her right thigh. After hours of work the tattoo artist is finished and holds a mirror in between the woman’s legs for her to view.
The woman says,'' I don’t know if these really look like Matt Damon and George Clooney and I’m not paying for this if it isn't right!''
The artist says “How about if I get a total stranger off the street. If he says that the tatts look like Matt Damon and George Clooney, you pay me.”
She agreed. They got an old man in and asked him who he thought the tattoos looked like.
The man said "I don't know who the one on the left is, or the one on the right, but the one in the middle is Willie Nelson!"
(An alternative version has the woman in London getting tattoos of Prince Willian and Prince Harry. The man asked to identify them says he doesn’t know who they are but the one in the middle is definitely Boris Johnson).
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
British politician and Secretary of State for War, John Profumo, ended his career in 1963 after a sexual relationship with call girl Christine Keeler. He resigned from Parliament, not because of the relationship or because Keeler was friends with someone connected to KGB spies, but because he denied it in Parliament, an extreme no-no under the Westminster system.
“What have I done?” said Christine:
“I’ve ruined the party machine.
To lie in the nude
Is not very rude
But to lie in the House is obscene.”
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GALLERY:
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RELIGION SPOT:
A fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specialising in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.
When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over.
They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well.
This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounce the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
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CORN CORNER:
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A three legged dog walks into a saloon in a Western town.
He looks around and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
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Now that Prince Harry has left the Royal Family, is a published author and documentary maker, he wants to be known as the artist formerly known as Prince.....
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Prince Harry has admitted, in his autobio Spare, to drugtaking. It has been reputed that he snorted cccaine through a rolled up English banknote, saying “Hello, Granny.”
(Don’t know if that’s true or not).
It is also reputed that the night he had his bachelor party in London he said "It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."
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My wife left me the other day. Said I didn't listen to her. Or something like that.
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I went to a zoo the other day, but all the cages were empty apart from one that just had a little dog in it
It was a shih tzu
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