FUNNY FRIDAY

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The first Funny Friday on the new lap[top and I'm still getting some of the settings and installation sorted, so let's hope all goes okay.

What did we do before computers?

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

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A man crashes his car

When the cops arrive on the scene , he is protesting loudly that it’s this woman’s fault. “Officer, she was texting on her phone and drinking a beer!”

The officer replied “Sir, she can do whatever she wants in her living room”.

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A tramp knocks on the door of an inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the tramp.

“No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. A few minutes later, he knocks again. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks.

“Could I have a few words with George?”

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Bill works for the secret services and gets sent to Russia to spy on them. Eventually he got caught and the Russians start torturing him in order to get the nuclear missile codes of Bill’s country. Bill shows incredible strength and integrity and doesn’t say a word. The Russians are impressed with Bill and eventually they decide to send him back home.

After his arrival, Bill’s colleagues ask him about his mission in Russia, to which Bill replies: “Y’all better start learning those codes, dudes, cus if they catch on that you that you don’t know them, they’ll beat the living shit out of you!”

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A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

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After decades of working in a Post Office a guy decides to retire and move to the outback, where his nearest neighbour lives a kilometre away from him. One weekend, this neighbour visits the guy and invites him to his house for a party that evening.

“But I gotta warn you” says the neighbour, “there’ll be a lot of drinking there”. “That’s okay I can keep up with the best of ‘em”.

“Ah, good, good,” he says, then adds “ but sometimes after the drinks, things can get a bit rowdy and a fight or two might break out”. “Don’t worry about me, mate” says the guy. “I can hold my own”.

“Goodo,” says the neighbour, then adds “ and there might be some sex.” “Oh yeah, I’d be keen for that,” says the guy.

“So I’ll see you at around 8 o’clock tonight then?” says the neighbour. “Yeah, I’ll see you then. What do you want me to bring?”

“Whatever you want, mate” says the neighbour. “It’s just gonna be the two of us.”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

When Carol was told about sex

She said “Mother, it sounds so complex.

Do you mean you and father

Went through all that bother,

And I’m just the after-effects?”

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GALLERY:

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RELIGION SPOT:

Adam was moping around in the Garden of Eden. Suddenly a light flashed and there was the Lord.

"What's the matter, Adam?"

Adam replied: "I'm lonely. There is nobody to talk to around here except that slimy serpent who keeps on wanting me to get into trouble. And since you won't let me go near the Tree of Knowledge, I don't know how to cook, and meals of raw berries and nuts are not very good. And I keep on having these "urges" that leave me very frustrated and I don't know what to do about them."

The Lord thought about this for a few minutes and then said: "I have it! I will create WOMAN for you!"

Adam was intrigued, and asked "What is WOMAN?"

The Lord explained: "She will bear and raise your children with no complaint. She will cook you delicious meals that satisfy you and will never ask you to help with the preparation or with the cleaning up afterwards. She will satisfy those "urges" you have at any time of the day (or month) that you want, and in any way, shape or manner that you desire, with no regard at all for her personal pleasure. And, should there ever be any cause for misunderstanding or dispute between you and her, she will address the issue directly and work with you towards resolving it, never resorting to sulking or artificial silence, hinting or any other form of subterfuge. She will be the perfect helpmate for you."

Adam reflected on this. "Sounds great! But...what is all this going to cost me?"

The Lord responded: "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought about this for a while.

Then he said: "Err...what can I get for a rib?"

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CORN CORNER:

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I used to work in a pizza shop

It didn't pay much but I kneaded the dough.

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Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because 4 was 2²

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I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives

I will start a religious movement anytime now

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I have an annoying habit.

I tend to use long words I don't know the meaning of in an attempt to sound superfluous.

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The Capitol is like my old, broken radio...

...neither have a working speaker.

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