Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

Friday, December 30, 2022

FUNNY FRIDAY

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The last Funny Friday of the year, Byters and readers. I hope that the past year has been a good one for you or, if not good, then hopefully at least not too bad. I know that some of my friends and colleagues have suffered losses of a personal nature, hopefully the past 2 days of remembering those we lost in 2022 has not been too saddening.

The last few years have been eventful and unprecedented, what will the new year be like?

Let’s instead focus for a brief moment on lighter items associated with the end of the year and the start of a new one. This last Funny Friday has a smattering of new year items.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Sent to me by John P (thanks John):

Most people know that I often give up drinking around Christmas. But this week I decided to have a few Christmas tipples. I just want to warn people to be careful about drink driving during the holiday period and to be aware that police are out there in force checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many champagnes and then went onto whisky. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to take a bus home. Sure enough, I passed an RBT unit where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

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I gave up drinking for the new year.

Sorry, that came out wrong.

I gave up.

Drinking for the new year.

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What did the Brits use for heat before the coal and firewood?

Electricity

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A Russian proverb for the New Year:

On average we live pretty well.

Worse than last year, but certainly better than next year.

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Happy New Year!

Sorry. I suffer from premature congratulation.

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My new year’s resolution is I’m going to be less condescending.

Condescending means talking down to people, by the way.

I'm always shocked when people call me condescending, because that's a very big word.

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Whoever coined the term ‘delivery’ for childbirth made a big mistake.

It should have been called takeout instead.

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Last year, one of my new year resolutions was to stop being so arrogant and cocky

I realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect.

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I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I already have three people following me… two police officers and a psychiatrist.

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What do we want?

Bigger placards.

When do we want them?

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Why are the great pyramids in Egypt?

The British couldn't fit them on their ships.

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Grandpa was talking to his grandson.

Grandpa: "What has 4 legs but isn't alive?"

Grandson: " A chair ha!! ha!!! nice try Gramps.."

Grandpa: It's your dog Billy, I backed over the little bastard in the driveway"

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A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they taste like peppermint.”

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