GRRR

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I am still having problems getting Bytes posts out to subscribers. . . the dove has not yet returned with an olive leaf. But, dear Byters, I am still trying and one lives in hope.  Hang in there with me.

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Here are some computer stories from a help desk blog . . .

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Operator: Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?

Caller: Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.

Operator: What sort of trouble?

Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Operator: Went away?

Caller: They disappeared.

Operator: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Caller: Nothing.

Operator: Nothing?

Caller: It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.

Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

Caller: How do I tell?

Operator: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Caller: What’s a sea-prompt?

Operator: Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?

Caller: There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.

Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Caller: What’s a monitor?

Operator: It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?

Caller: I don’t know.

Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Caller: Yes, I think so.

Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.

Caller: Yes, it is.

Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

Caller: No.

Operator: Well, there you are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

Caller: Okay, here it is.

Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.

Caller: I can’t reach.

Operator: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

Caller: No.

Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Caller: Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.

Operator: Dark?

Caller: Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.

Caller: I can’t.

Operator: No? Why not?

Caller: Because there’s a power failure.

Operator: A power… a power failure? Aha, okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Operator: Good. Go get them and unplug your system, and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Caller: Really? Is it that bad?

Operator: Yes, I’m afraid it is.

Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Operator: Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.

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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one

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Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can’t get my CD out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry….

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Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello. I can’t print.

Tech support: Would you like to click on ‘start’ for me and…

Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates.

*******

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print.  Every time I try, it says ‘can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can’t find it..

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Customer: I have problems printing in red…

Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?

Customer: Aaaah…thank you.

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Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woollies.

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Customer: My keyboard’s not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk ten paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work…

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Tech support: Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in apple, a capital letter ‘V’ as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

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Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.

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Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: Okay, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.

The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

*******

Tech support: Okay Colin, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I don’t have a ‘P’.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: ‘P’…on your keyboard, Colin.

Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

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