FUNNY FRIDAY

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The Bytes posts haven’t been going out to subscribers for the last 3-4 days as a result of some computer problem, a glitch in the matrix.

That’s why you will find a host of computer and glich humour.

Here’s hoping this Funny Friday makes it out.

As usual, a warning on risqué content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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I’ve finished my time machine, but there is one glitch.

I've finished my time machine, but there is one glitch.

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Tonight I'm going to party like it's 1999

Because back then the worst thing I had to worry about was just a computer glitch destroying civilization.

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The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

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What's the proper definition of a Freudian slip?

It's where you say one thing but you mean your mother.

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Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

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Where does the USA keep its backups?

USB.

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What's the difference between golf and skydiving?

In golf, it's *whack*....."Aw shit!" and in skydiving, it's the other way around.

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A young man decides to go out one evening and find himself a date.

He ends up at his local bar and, after some liquid courage, decides to chat up a few ladies.

After a few hours of no luck, he notices an older gent sitting at the end of the bar, surrounded by beautiful women, laughing and flirting effortlessly.

"The fuck does he have that I ain't got?" the young man asks himself.

Eventually the old guy gets up to use the bathroom, and the young man follows him. He lurches over to him and says, "Hey mate, how is it you have all the ladies? I'm dying in the desert over here! What's your secret?!"

The old guy smiles and says, "Oh it's simple. When they come up to the bar, I lean over and say, 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' If they say yes, well then it's happening. But if she gets upset, I tell 'em, that I said ‘particularly nasty weather’ and then they calm down. Simple!"

The young guy nods. "I think I can do that!"

He goes back out and has a few more drinks for luck, but can't bring himself to actually speak to anyone.

As the night dwindles, it's just him and one lonely woman sitting at the bar. He takes a final shot, stands up, and staggers over to her.

She sees him and smiles. He smiles back and slurs, "Stick a feather up your ass,?"

Repulsed, she cries, "What?!"

Flustered, he says “Cunt of a day, isn’t it.”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Drogheda is a large town on the East coast of Ireland, in County Louth. It is midway between Dundalk to the north and Dublin to the south.

It is pronounced Draw-da.

A young Irish servant in Drogheda

Had a mistress who often annogheda,

Whereon she would swear

With language so rare

That thereafter nobody emplogheda.

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GALLERY:

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RELIGION SPOT:

Someone asked the Virgin Mary if she was proud of Jesus.

Since she was a Jewish mother she answered "You know, I really vanted he should be a doctor"

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CORN CORNER:

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, you have to help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

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How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction?

No whey, Hose A.

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I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he’s stuck in traffic and he’s going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He’s making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days.

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My Internet stopped working for 5 minutes.

Met my parents. They’re nice people.

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When the person who invented the USB drive dies they’ll lower his coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.

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