Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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Our Council garbage collectors failed to empty our red garbage bin last Tuesday morning, and the bins of nearby neighbours, causing me to feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of bins were suddenly not emptied. Well, maybe not that dramatic but it is a cause for concern when it is filled to the brim after considerable pounding and pushing to increase capacity and the next collection is a week away. I called the Council the following morning and it must be a common occurrence because the recorded message provides a prompt for the number to press on your phone’s keypad to report a missed bin collection. A day or so later the bin was emptied, The Force was stabilised again, God was in His Heaven and all was right with the world once again.

But it had me thinking about garbage and that is the theme for this Funny Friday.

May the Force be with you.

As usual, a risqué content warning.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A cop pulled up next to a guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up truck into a ditch.

The cop asks, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'FINE FOR DUMPING GARBAGE.'"

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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darnn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?' "

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

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I don't know which is scarier....

A man who rummages through the garbage cans at 3am or my neighbor who watches me doing it.

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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because you were born in August, but your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, you fuckin' idiot."

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The garbage men are making their weekly round and they notice that one house has not put the rubbish bin outside. One of the garbos rings the bell of the house, and hears, from inside, some hurried steps towards the door.

The door opens and a Japanese man steps out. The garbo asks politely: 'Sorry to bother you, mate, but where's ya bin?"

The Japanese gentlemen looks puzzled and responds: "I bin in bed.”

The garbo says "Maybe you don't understand, mate, I mean where's ya BIN?"

The Japanese man looks flustered and says: "I awreddy tell you! I bin in bed!!!!"

The garbo realises there is a mistake and says: "Nah, mate, I mean where's ya WHEELIE bin?"

The Japanese man looks down at his shoes and says in quiet voice: "OK, OK, I tell you truth. I bin in bed having sex with wife’s sister.”

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What's black, white, and red all over?

That fucking cat if he knocks over the garbage bin again.

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An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every garbage can they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the garbage cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession's really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the garbage cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look,”. he said, “I haven't received my social security cheque yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 20 cents. Will that be okay?”

“Only twenty cents?” the leader exclaimed. “If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for twenty cents, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!”

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

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