FUNNY FRIDAY

 

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Enjoy the fun, Byters, the weekend is nearly here . . .

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SOME HUMOUR:

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What did Britons use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity.

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When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I’ve finally achieved half of the goal.

I turned 40.

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"Our club is looking for a treasurer."

"Didn't you just hire one last month?"

"Yes, that's the one we're looking for."

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My son was chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. Made sure he was conducting himself properly.

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Help, someone in Russia is trying to hack my phone

Edit: Sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.

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A church advertises a job for a bell ringer.

Several people apply and the minister decides to have auditions to see who rings the bell the best. The last applicant comes in and the minister immediately notices that he has no arms.

"Tell me, son, how do you intend to ring the bell with your disability?"

"It's no problem," the applicant says, "I don't pull on cords. I just climb to the top of the tower and hit the bell with my face. Here, I'll show you." And he climbs up the tower and hits the bell with his face. The minister is amazed, it is the most beautiful, melodic ringing of the bells he has ever heard. But tragically, the man loses his balance and falls from the bell tower, dying immediately.

As the police arrive to investigate, they ask the minister "Who is this man?"

The minister says "I didn't get his name, but his face rings a bell."

The next week, the minister is in his office when someone knocks on his door. "Father," he says, "The man who died here last week was my brother."

"Oh, it was such a tragedy. Are you okay my son?"

"Yes, Father, I am still in grief over my loss, but I've decided to honour my brother. I would like to apply for the bell ringer job. As you can see, I have both of my arms so I don't need to use my face as my brother did."

The minister thinks for a second. "Yes, of course, perhaps you could ring the bells now to show us how you do."

So the man goes to the bell tower and begins pulling the ropes and ringing the bells. Tragically, a loose brick falls from the tower and strikes the man, killing him instantly.

The police again arrive and ask the minister "My word, this is the second death this week. Who is this man?"

The minister says "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

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LAW & LAWYERS

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

The sermon our bishop, rt revd

Began might have had a rt clevd;

But his talk though consistent

Kept the end so far distant,

We left, for we felt he mt nevd.

Bonus limerick, same theme . . .

There once was a boring young rev,

Who preached till it seemed he would nev.

His hearers, en masse.

Got a pain in the ass

And prayed for relief of their neth.

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GALLERY:

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RELIGION SPOT:

On a crucifix…why is Jesus always depicted with well defined abs?

CrossFit

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CORN CORNER:

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I am writing a book about the things I should be doing in life.

It’s an oughttobiography.

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I am actually writing the history of my life.

It’s my Ottobiography.

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My friend Jason invited me to spend a week with him and his family at their ski lodge.

I wanted to bring gifts. For him, a felt hat. For her felt mittens. For the kids, felt-tipped markers.

I like to make my presents felt.

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Time to open a pub that serves nothing but expensive beers and baked beans.

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

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