Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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Time for some Friday humour and, now that I home from hospital, to use laughter as the best medicine.

There is no doubt that laughter and positive thinking can help people heal from illnesses but where does the expression come from? It has been attributed to the American publisher and humour writer Bennett Cerf but others have suggested earlier origins for the phrase, that it derives from Proverbs 17 in the Old Testament: “A merry heart is like medicine”.

Whatever the origin, have a merry heart, Byters.

A word of caution, though, the path to a merry heart is paved with risqué content. . . stop now if easily offended.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the Rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The Rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?” “Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.” “Okay, fuck face, I want to speak to someone else.”

The Rector goes into the Bishop’s study to inform him of the situation. The Bishop listens and both return to confront the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no problem,” the man says. “I just won twenty five million fucking bucks on the fucking lottery and I want to join this fucking church to get rid of some of this fucking money.”

“I see,” says the Bishop, “and this prick is giving you a hard time?”

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said: "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said: "Wow!"

Then her friend said: "She means 666-3629."

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One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?". Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

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One day a Soviet Party member is walking through Red Square when he hears a man shout “Down with the tyrant and his stupid moustache.”

Immediately the party member drags the man to Stalin and explains what he said.

Stalin, furious asks: “Why did you say that?”

The man replies he was talking about Hitler.

Stalin listens and decides the man is telling the truth. He agrees with his sentiments and sends the man on his way.

The party member is about to go as well but is stopped by Stalin and asked: "Tell me, comrade, which tyrant with a stupid moustache were you thinking of when you dragged the man here?"

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One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The officer replied: "I'm so sorry, but someone stabbed your husband and threw his corpse in the harbour."

The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?"

He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?"

Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!"

The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."

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A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.

He asked if they had a licence and, when they said they didn't, He sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the licence from him.

When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in wrong -- with his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another licence.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they caught the clerk... and after five reissued licences, the judge was finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the licence, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be, putting it delicately, technical bastards."

Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."

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