FUNNY FRIDAY

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A pot pourri of humour to set you on the road to the weekend, dear readers, but there is some risque content ahead.  Enjoy nonetheless, or because of, as is your wont . . .

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SOME HUMOUR:

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This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She said "The egg timer's broken."

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I recently heard about a young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross country adventure…

So, I headed down to the library with my daughter to see if they had a copy.

The librarian said the description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

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Letter to Bob’s Advice Coliumn:

Dear Bob,

I enjoy your advice column and have a personal question for you.

Recently I noticed my wife has been spending a lot of evenings "out with friends."

Also, I sometimes get phone calls where the caller hangs up as soon as I say "hello."

Last night she went out again and this time I waited behind the boat for her to come home. I watched as she repaired her makeup, got out of the car, and took her panties from her purse.

lt was at that moment, as I watched her put her panties on, that I noticed a hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket of my boat.

Is that something I can weld, or will I need to replace the whole bracket?

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A Polish man goes to the ophthalmologist who asks him to read a chart with the letters

C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z

"Can you read this?"

"Read? I know this guy!"

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A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" the priest asked.

"No, the ball bounced off a tree and onto the green," the man continued. "But it bounced into a sandtrap."

"And then you cursed?"

"No, I pulled out a wedge and chipped the ball right out of there. It rolled down the green and stopped two feet from the cup."

"Ah, that was when you blasphemed," the priest nods.

"No, Father," the man replies.

"Jesus Christ," the priest yells, "Don’t tell me you missed the fucking putt?!"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Sometimes a limerick is not just a piece of light humour, it can also be a reflection of time and place. This one is from England during WW2 . . .

There was a young lady of fashion

Who had oodles and oodles of passion;

To her lover she said,

As they climbed into bed:

“Here’s one thing the bastards can’t ration.”

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GALLERY:

Some toilet humour . . . 

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CORN CORNER:

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The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe.

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.

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Now, Tommy," said Mrs. Smith, "I want you to be good while I am out."

"I will be good for a dollar," replied Tommy.

"Tommy," she said, "I want you to remember that you cannot be a son of mine, unless you are good for nothing."

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I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.

I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.

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I used to collect stamps when I was younger. . .

But then one day I realised, philately will get you nowhere.

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King Charles's coronation date has been revealed.

It's Camilla.

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DIY help needed

I’m trying to glue a velvet Elvis painting onto a plastic pink flamingo lawn ornament using contact cement. The instructions on the can say to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky. It’s been 3 months. What am I doing wrong?

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