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A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...
After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.
It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologises for the delay.
“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.
“Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”
“I accept, thanks!” she answers.
He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking.
Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door.
The doctor looks worried, gets up, and says:
“My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise, she might think there is some nonsense going on!”
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Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. My, said the census taker, that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means? Sure! Three thousand bucks, and that doesn’t even include the anesthesiologist!
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A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest. The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.
The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"
"How dare you! I am a man of the cloth, as are you! I assure you, there is nothing inappropriate going on between us!"
After the visiting priest leaves, the housekeeper says to the priest, "Father, I don't know how to say this, but our silver gravy ladle is missing, and it's been missing since your cousin's visit. I don't know what to do! I'm sure I didn't misplace it!"
The priest tells the housekeeper that he'll handle it. He writes his cousin:
"Dear Cousin. A matter of some delicacy has arisen. Our silver gravy ladle is missing. Now I'm not saying you stole it, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact is that it's missing. If you have anything to tell me about this, please do so."
The answer:
"Dear Cousin. Regarding your letter, I'm not saying you're sleeping with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying you're not, but if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found your silver gravy ladle."
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A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. But when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house!
Catching the man in the act of burglarising her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.")
When the burglar heard this, he stopped dead in his tracks, blanched and raised two shaking hands. The woman quickly called the police and told them exactly what happened. They arrived minutes later with sirens blaring. Several officers strode in and took the unresisting man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."
"Scripture? What scripture??" replied the confused burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says: "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seed nobody do it!'
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young lady from Putney
Who was given to sexual gluttony.
Warned a pious old duffer
“Your morals will suffer.”
“That’s what you think,” she said, “I ain’t got any.”
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GALLERY:
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CORN CORNER:
What’s the difference between your granny and your granary?
One is your born kin and the other is your corn bin.
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"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
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My dad farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels
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