FUNNY FRIDAY

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Welcome to another Funny Friday, readers, some humour for the end of the week and to get you in the right frame of mind for the weekend.

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SOME HUMOUR:

An Oklahoma state trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding. The trooper asks the clown, "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says, "I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown, "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler," says the clown. "Alright," says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won't give you a ticket." The clown says, "I don't have my equipment, it got sent ahead of me." The trooper says excitedly, "I've got some flares in the back of my car."

As the clown begins juggling the flares on the side of the road, a good-old boy, drunk off his arse, pulls in behind the trooper to witness the spectacle. After watching for a few minutes, the drunk climbs into the back seat of the squad car. The trooper, having never seen a man arrest himself before, walks over to the man and asks, "What are you doin’, son?"

The man says, "You may as well take me to jail now, 'cause I ain't gonna pass that test."

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How does Meghan Markle change a lightbulb?

She holds the bulb while the world revolves around her.

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There was a random drug test at my workplace the other day.

Fortunately, mine came out clean.

But my dealer now has some explaining to do.

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What‘s the medical term for fear of palindromes?

Aibohphobia.

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My neighbour started banging on my wall at 3:20am this morning, can you believe it?

Fortunately, I was still up, listening to music on my new speakers.

I turned it up louder to drown him out but he kept banging and shouted “Can we have a little respect please?”

I shouted back “I’m not a big Aretha Franklin fan but OK, this one’s for you”

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father visited the city for the very first time. They wandered around, marvelling at the different sights. Eventually, they got to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but they were especially amazed at two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son: "Junior, go get your mother."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

    

This one has been posted before, but it is being re-posted because it is followed by a variation which I came across which is also worthwhile. Funnily enough, the second one doesn’t fit the traditional structure of a limerick, having extra words and lots more syllables, but somehow it still scans.

There was a young girl from Cape Cod,

Who thought babies came only from God.

T'wasn't the Almighty

Who lifted her nightie.

T'was Roger the Lodger by god!

The alternative . . .

There was a young girl of Cape Cod

Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.

But it wasn't Jehovah

That turned the girl over,

'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,

     the bugger, the bastard, the sod!

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

A duck was standing by a busy roadside, waiting for a break in traffic as cars went roaring by.

A chicken walks up and says, "Don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it."

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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday...

Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.

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Sean Connery joke . . .

A bunch of books fell on my head this morning.

I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

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My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

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