Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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Yesterday was my wedding anniversary so weddings and anniversaries are the theme for this Funny Friday but, I hasten to add, the jokes are no reflection on my matrimonial state or on The Boss.

Some of the jokes are somewhat risqué, also not a reflection on The Boss.

Enjoy, dear readers.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne.

A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."

"What? How could you?"

"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."

"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?"

"Do you remember that you wanted the position of the, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job."

"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?"

"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"

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On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

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It’s our wedding anniversary today. My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.

1995 and 2009.

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A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologises for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”

“I accept, thanks!” She answers.

He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking.

Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door.

The doctor looks worried, gets up, and says:

“My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise, she might think there is some nonsense going on!”

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The Tax Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

Tax Office agent: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $30 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen bottles of beer every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

Tax Office agent: “That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know?"

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Some explanations to gather the true beauty and cleverness of the following limerick . . .

Styli is the plural form of stylus, a small implement with a pointed end used for engraving and tracing.

For Freud, the snake is the symbol of the penis. A woman experiencing a snake dream represents her sexuality and relationship with men. The styli are probably similarly symbolic.