FUNNY FRIDAY

-------☹😊☹-------

Now that the Oz Day of Mourning is done and dusted, it is time for the Day of Laughter, that is, it is Funny Friday time.

A word of caution, however: for some reason, most of the humour that I was able to come up with this time has risqué content and risqué language, so don’t go further if easily offended (although such a caution might make readers more determined to press on).

Enjoy the humour, dear readers, enjoy the Friday and enjoy the weekend, a good end to a week of Royal Family blues.

-------☹😊☹-------

SOME HUMOUR:

What’s the difference between an onion and a bagpipe?

Nobody cries when you cut up a bagpipe.

--------oOo--------

I recall that I may have posted these before . . .

A 10 year old girl asks her mother, “Mummy, how was I born?”

The mother smiled and replied, “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high we fucked without a condom.”

--------oOo--------

Kids in front seats cause accidents. Accidents in back seats cause kids.

--------oOo--------

Johnny brought home his history test result, it was 90.

His father was so happy with it. However, his mother, Karen, just couldn't believe her son got 90 in history.

After taking a closer look at the marks, she found that the handwriting style of the 9 and the 0 are different.

"Johnny, you are so busted. Tell me, did you add the 0 to your marks?"

"No, mum, I didn't."

"I am asking you once more. Did you add that fucking 0 to your marks?"

"Mum, no, I didn't add that 0".

" OK, as you're not telling the truth, you are grounded for 1 month."

"Mum, no, please, no, I really didn't add that 0."

" This is your last chance kid, tell me the truth."

"....... I just added the 9 to it."

-------☹😊☹-------

A man from the city bought himself a farm.

On his first day at the farm he was walking his acres, discovering the creeks, hills and other features when he came upon a large hole in the ground. He looked inside but he could see only blackness. He picked up a small stone and dropped it into the hole, waiting to hear it strike the bottom to ascertain its depth, but he heard nothing.

He then dropped in a larger stone, with his ear held over the hole, but again he heard nothing.

Looking around he noticed a railway sleeper. With some effort he managed to push it into the hole. As he waited to hear the sound of it striking the bottom, a goat ran out from some nearby bushes and charged straight at him. He managed to get out of its way at the last moment but the goat continued straight on, into the hole.

A short while later a man came by and said to him “’Scuse me, mate, but you haven’t seen a goat around here anywhere, have you?”

”Well, as a matter of fact I have,” he replied. “A goat came out of those bushes, charged at me and dived into this hole.”

“That wouldn’t be my goat,” he replied, “mine’s tied to a railway sleeper.”

-------☹😊☹-------

There once was a young man from Yuma,

Who told an elephant joke to a puma.

Now his dry bleached bones lie,

Under hot Asian skies,

'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.

An alternative version of the young man from Yuma . . .

There once was a young man from Yuma

Who attempted sex with a puma

He gave up real quick

Minus nose, toes, and prick

In obvious pain and ill huma.

-------☹😊☹-------

GALLERY:

-------☹😊☹-------

RELIGION SPOT:

I found $10 on the sidewalk and I was going to keep it, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

-------☹😊☹-------

CORN CORNER:

A shark was swimming around looking for food and he catches a squid.

The squid says: "Don't eat me, I'm really sick!"

The shark says: "Fine, I won't eat you. But I know just what to do with you..."

The shark takes the squid to his barracuda friend and says: "Here's the sick squid I owe you."

(For the benefit of Ron in the US, “quid” is slang for “pound”, the unit of currency in the UK and in Oz before we went decimal in 1966).

--------oOo--------

A Scotsman goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What’s that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap says "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

--------oOo--------

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

-------☹😊☹-------