FUNNY FRIDAY

-------☹😊☹-------

So here we are again, happy as can be, all good friends and jolly good company on this Funny Friday.

The news continues to be the passing of Her Maj, the accession of King Charlie 3 to the throne and the throwing of a spanner in the works by Harry and Meghan simply by being there.

Reminds me of . . .

Today is devoted to Her Maj jokes, recycled from before her passing and with no disrespect intended.

Hopefully you will, like me, have a laugh whilst still honouring her.

Caution: some risqué content ahead.

-------☹😊☹-------

SOME HUMOUR:

------------oOo------------

True story . . .

Some years ago Michael Caine told of sitting near Her Maj, Queen Elizabeth, at a dinner and that Her Maj asked if he knew any jokes. Flustered at not knowing any clean ones to tell her, she told him this one:

Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?

Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy.

Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?

Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.

Sales person: I see, how about your brother or sister? Can I speak to him?

Youngster: (whispering) No. They're both busy too.

Sales person: (losing patience) Is there anybody else there I could talk to???

Youngster: (in a whisper) Yeah, the police are here... but they are busy too....

Sales person: (by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that keeps them so busy?!!!

Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.

------------oOo------------

Queen Elizabeth was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn’t be ignored.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "how embarrassing. I’m frightfully sorry about that."

"It’s quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse."

------------oOo------------

This has only a passing reference to Her Maj but I am including it . . .

On the Bulgarian edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire...

The new contestant sits on the chair. He just grunts at the host's introduction questions, so they get straight to the game.

First question - Which city is the capital of Bulgaria:

* A. Sofia

* B. Moscow

* C. London

* D. Paris

Respondent: "I'd like to ask the audience."

The host is stunned, but just goes with it. The results of the vote are as expected - 100% for **A. Sofia**. The contestant says he’ll trust the audience and answers **A**. The host confirms that this is indeed the correct answer, and the contestant has won 100 Lev.

Second question - Who is the current president of Bulgaria:

* A. Queen Elizabeth II

* B. Rumen Radev

* C. Joe Biden

* D. Vladimir Putin

Respondent: "I'd like to use my 50-50 lifeline."

The host is again surprised and without any further questions asks the computer to remove two of the wrong answers, which leaves these options

* A. Queen Elizabeth II

* B. Rumen Radev

The contestant thinks about it for a while and says that the president probably can't be a queen, so he'll answer **B. Rumen Radev**. The host confirms that this is once again the correct answer, and the contestant has now won 200 Lev.

Third question - What is the Bulgarian currency:

* A. Euro

* B. American Dollar

* C. Bulgarian Lev

* D. Russian Ruble

Surprisingly to nobody at this point, the contestant asks for his third lifeline - to phone a friend. They call his buddy Ivan and give them 30 seconds to talk. The conversation goes like this:

Contestant: "Ivan, is 200 Lev enough to get drunk?"

Ivan: "Sure."

Contestant: "Cool, thanks!"

He turns to the host and says: "I quit."

------------oOo------------

A joke from the days that Paul Keating was Prime Minister of Australia . . .

Keating said to Queen Elizabeth on her visit to Australia when he was Prime Minister: “M’arm, I would like you make Australia a kingdom and make me king."

The Queen says “I am sorry, I don’t have that power.”

He said: “Well, then make it a principality and make me a prince.”

She said “I’m sorry, I can’t do that either.”

Keating says says "A duchy then and make me a duke.”

Her Majesty responds "I think you should stick to calling it a country".

------------oOo------------

On the last occasion that Prince Charles visited Australia, he attended a function at Wagga Wagga, where he was met by various dignitaries, including the Mayor of Wagga Wagga. Whilst having a cocktail, the Mayor said to the Prince “Your Highness, it’s quite a hot day and yet you have chosen an unusual style of headwear, a fur cap. Isn’t that quite hot and uncomfortable?”

The Prince replied “Well, yes, it is actually, but it was Mummy’s idea.”

“I’m sorry, Her Majesty told you to wear it?" said the Mayor.

“Oh, yes,” replied Charles. “I spoke to her by telephone this morning. She asked me what I was doing today and I told her I was attending a reception at Wagga Wagga. She then said ‘Wear the fox hat.’ “

------------oOo------------

Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.

They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.

She says to them "Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen".

After they show her their ankles, the Queen says "It is also important that you don't have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too".

Once she has seen their knees, she says "Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials".

Nine years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other "I reckon, if we just had a bit more education we would have got that job!"

-------☹😊☹-------

The following is from the days when Diana, Princess of Wales, was still alive –

Her Majesty, the Queen, and Her Royal Highness, Lady Diana, were out for a drive in the country. Suddenly, upon a quiet road, they were set upon and stopped by a highwayman. He forced them out of the car at gunpoint, and demanded their jewels.

"Give me your tiara, Ma'am," demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry," replied the Queen. "I did not wear my tiara today."

"Well then, give me your ring, your Highness!" demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't wear my ring today," replied Lady Diana.

Frustrated, the robber waved them away, and drove off with the Bentley, getting at least something for his efforts. The Queen and Lady Di made it back to Windsor castle, where they related their ordeal to the Queen Mother.

After the Queen Mother received an account of the robbery she turned to Diana and said, "I thought you wore your ring today?"

"I did, but I hid the ring in my private place."

The Queen Mother replied, "It's a shame that Princess Margaret wasn't with you, you could have saved the Bentley!"

------------oOo------------

I have read an alternative, more recent one:

Queen Elizabeth and HRH Kate Middleton are out motoring through the hillside when the Bentley they're driving breaks down. The driver has to go look for help, and while he's gone some ruffians come across the disabled royalty.

"Ain't you the Queen?"

She confirms she is.

"Where's your tiara?"

She tells them she left it at home.

"Just my luck! Ain't you William’s missus?"

Kate says yes.

"Where's that bloody big sapphire from your hubby's dead mum?"

She says she left it at home.

"Bugger! I guess we'll just have to take these lovely wheels then. C'mon now! Out the car! Step lively and keep walking."

They shuffle down the road a bit and the Queen says to Kate, "I know you were wearing your ring! What happened to it?"

She replies with a blush, "I hid it... Up there..." pointing down.

The Queen says “If Meghan were here we could've saved the Bentley!"

------------oOo------------

Also from the vault, posted at the time of Queen Elizabeth’s Platinum Jubilee . . .

Adam and Eve are walking through the Garden of Eden for the first time

They marvel at the beauty. Waterfalls, beautiful plants, trees, and animals, and an incredible sky are the things they look at and enjoy. Adam looks past God and sees a woman standing there. With Eve next to him, he wonders who it is. He asks God "Who is that standing there?" God turns and Queen Elizabeth II smiles and waves at him.

God turns back to him and says "I have no clue. She was here when I got here!"

-------☹😊☹-------

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

From moi . . .

She was Queen of her British domain,

An amazing seventy year reign,

Monarch, mother and wife,

She made duty her life.

We’ll not see her like e’er again.

-------☹😊☹-------

GALLERY:

-------☹😊☹-------

CORN CORNER:

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before St Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".

St Peter thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, goes to the toilet and pulls the lever.

St Peter says, "Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged and asked, "What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"?

"Sorry Dolly”, says the St Peter, but even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how impressive they are".

-------☹😊☹-------