FUNNY FRIDAY

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Welcome to another Funny Friday, Byters, and an apology in advance for some salty language and for some eye-rolling, groanable corn that will have you using your own salty language.

Enjoy, dear constant readers.

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SOME HUMOUR:

A mathematics professor noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked

The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."

So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.

One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got "minus pi times r square."

He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!"

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I'm not very good at similes

I'm like a guy that's not very good at similes

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I threw away a bottle of gin, but it kept showing back up in my liquor cabinet.

Turns out it's 86-proof.

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Jesus drove a Honda, but never spoke of it.

"For I speak not of my own Accord" - John 12:49

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When the body was first made, the different parts of the body argued to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said "YOU? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."

So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

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LAW & LAWYERS

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

You may not believe me, and yet,

Old girls are the very best bet.

They don’t yell, tell or swell

And they screw hard as hell

For it may be the last one they’ll get!

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GALLERY:

Sent to me by friend and colleague Leo M (thanks, Leo) . . . 

Our friend and colleague Tony Z would relate to the above).

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RELIGION SPOT:

Jesus drove a Honda, but never spoke of it.

"For I speak not of my own Accord" - John 12:49

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CORN CORNER:

Remember a few weeks ago the somewhat lengthy corn items about the relatives of Alan Turing?

Here is another about the relatives of Bruce Lee . . .

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee

Quick Lee…

Quick Lee may have been fast, but Alleged Lee his wife wasn't very happy about that.

And if you were impressed by Quick then well his cousin Speedy Lee was even speedier.

Instantaneus Lee

Swift Lee and Immediate Lee would like a word

Quick Lee was fast but he made good decisions, unlike cousin Hasty Lee

But who could forget their angry father, furious lee

But who could forget their angry father

If I had to guess, Forgetful Lee.

Him and his wife calm made a good couple

Bruce treated his body like a temple and was always very healthy. But not as healthy as his brother - Brocko Lee (I’ll just see my way out)

Don't make me Ang Lee, you wouldn't like me when I'm Ang Lee.

And don't forget Strombo, his adopted brother from Italy

And his cousin from Mexico, Guacamo

There was the happy brother, Glad Lee

And his other brother notorious for his lack of humor, Serious Lee.

And his twin smi

Don't forget about his cousin the priest, Ho

Just look out for the cousin...

Sneaky lee

Exact Lee!

Of this you can be Certain

They don't talk about their nudist cousin. Bare Lee

Was Bare Lee legal?

Don't forget the Air Force member Jet Lee

and his excessively enthusiastic and devoted fan, Stan Lee.

And he had a brother who was good at estimation, Approximate Lee

Not as perfect as his smaller brother precise

And Gim Lee, his dwarf cousin

He's also got a Ronin brother, Lone Lee.

His unfortunate cousins Ug & Home

And his son: Dead Lee….

His sister was a dessert maker - Sara Lee.

He also had a brother he didn’t know… Anonymous Lee

His brother the porn star Hard Lee.

Actually the real stars were on his cousin sisters side who married Mr Fuk.

Most famous was Ho Lee-Fuk

There's also their religious brother, Faithful Lee

You forgot to mention his slower brother, who was always very precise…

Exact Lee

He had twin cousins. You know those two brothers…Ever

He also had a slower brother, Eventual Lee.

It wasn’t all good in the family, there was also a disappointing cousin Horrib Lee and his obese brother Morbid

and the pain in the ass cousin, Anal-Lee

You guys need to stop with the harassment of Bruce Lee and his family. He has a mean cousin that's a lawyer, Legal Lee.

His racist cousin from the south General.

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