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Enjoy some jokes, japes and jests, Byters, the weekend is nearly here.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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Some time ago, a man had two sons. As they got older, everyone quickly realized that Jackson was very sharp, while Blake was about as sharp as a spoon. They were both loved very much and cared for. As time went by, the father got sick and eventually passed away.
Jackson called his brother on the phone and told him: "Listen, I have an enormously important business meeting I must attend, but I will get on the first flight home. Here are my credit card details, please make sure dad looks his best and gets everything money can buy for his funeral, spare no expense!" He wasn't sure this was a great idea, given that Blake was... well, Blake, but he had no one else to call.
Surprisingly, Blake took care of everything, and did it with a rather decent budget. Jackson was pleasantly surprised and the funeral went well, if a sad and emotional affair for all.
A few months later Jackson calls Blake again. "Listen," he says. "I don't want to make accusations or nothin', but could it be that you are still using my card for about $300 dollars every month? I can see it here on my credit report."
"Of course not!" said Blake, insulted. "I would never steal from you, you know that!"
"Yea, I do," said Jackson, "But how do you explain these?"
"Oh," said Blake, "I bet those are for dad's tux. You said you wanted him to look his best so I rented the most expensive suit in town!"
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A guy runs into a bar.
He goes up to the bartender and asks him "Hey how tall is a penguin?"
The bartender looks at him and goes "I don't know, probably around three feet."
The guy looks distraught and while leaving goes "Oh shit, I think I hit a nun."
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A shaggy looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller...
"Can I please withdraw $10 from my account?" while handing over her debit card.
The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady "Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for $10."
The old lady then says "Okay, then I want to withdraw $10,000 from my account."
The teller, now a little bit incredulous, takes the old lady's debit card, checks her account, and sees that she has over $500,000 on deposit. She apologises, informs the manager, and begins counting the money.
After a few minutes, the teller hands over the $10,000 in $100 bills to the old lady and asks "Is there anything else I can help you with?”
The old lady replies "Yes, I want to deposit $9,990." while handing the $10,000 back to the teller.
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The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned. "
Leviticus 20:13 ESV
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to deliver blood.
The priest says “I’m a type A.”
The minister says “I’m a type B.”
The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo.”
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An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are arseholes!"
This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"
"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?"
"No," he retorts, "I'm an arsehole!"
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
Back in the days of old Adam
The grass served as mattress for madam,
And they spent the whole day
On the sex that today
They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
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GALLERY:
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CORN CORNER:
I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay.
Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.
Why didn't 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2²
What did Godzilla call his son?
Jesuszilla
I got rid of my carbon monoxide detector.
It kept giving off a high pitched whine that made me feel nauseous and dizzy.
I’m starting a group for people who have OCD.
We meet 10 times a day.
Sometimes I tuck my knees to my chest and lean forward.
Hey, that's just how I roll.
I told my doctor I broke my knee in 3 places.
He said not to go to those places again.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.
The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
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