FUNNY FRIDAY

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It's that time of the week again, Funny Friday, so enjoy the approach to the weekend - think of Friday as the entree and the weekend as the main course. Bon appetit.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A guy walks into his local bar with two dogs.

"I didn't know you had dogs," the bartender comments.

"They're not my dogs," the guy replies. "They're my sister's." "

Wow, your sisters are ugly," the bartender says.

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What did the elephant say to the naked man?

You breathe through that thing?

Alternative version:

That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

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I have a joke about time travel

….. but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

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What do you get when you take the wings off of a fly?

A walk.

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Where does 82% of the methane on Earth come from?

It comes from the dairy air.

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Three debutantes are in a car driving around in the South. They pass a beautiful horse farm with beautiful green pastures, beautiful white fences with beautiful stables, and beautiful horses. The debutante in the back seat says “My daddy bought me this beautiful horse farm for graduating high school.”

The debutante in the passenger seat says “Ooooooh.”

The debutante that’s driving says “That’s nice.”

After a while they pass a beautiful golf course, hotel and casino.

The debutante in the back seat says “My daddy bought me this beautiful golf course, hotel and casino for graduating high school.”

The debutante in the passenger seat says “Ooooooh.”

The debutante that’s driving says “That’s nice.”

The debutante in the back seat asks the debutante who’s driving “What did your daddy buy you for graduating high school?”

The debutante who’s driving says “My daddy is of limited means and all he gave me was advice.”

The debutante in the front seat ask the debutatnte who’s driving “What advice did your daddy give you for graduating high school?”

The debutante that’s driving says “My daddy always told me to say ‘That’s nice’ instead of “Go fuck yourself!’

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Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Ireland.

Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting my balls on when I am driving."

"Fuck me" says Paddy, BMW think of everything!"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

At a contest for farting in Butte

One lady's exertion was cute :

It won the diploma

For fetid aroma,

And three judges were felled by the brute.

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

I saw a joke posted on a site that has been in Funny Friday previously:

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

(It helps to know that Turing is pronounced as both Ty-u-ring and Tu-ring, as in Too-ring.. In the US the Too-ring pronunciation is used, which was also my understanding.)

The above joke prompted a wealth of reader comments:

They both learned how to be responsible adults from their mother, Ma.

They enjoyed walking through doorways and were taught by their uncle En.

They also liked exploring with their cousin adven.

When he was younger, he didn't like it when he got told off by his uncle Lec.

But they did enjoy taking brilliant photos with their older uncle, Cap.

He gets all the credit but his brother Tu taught him everything he knew.

Little known fact: Tu became obsessed with instructing others when he gave up pursuing his own pleasure after that horrible incident with uncle Neu.

Their cousin Wa always took great care of her plants.

I heard their uncle Fes died of an infection.

And we know about all the characters in this joke due to their third cousin Fea

He learned how to negotiate from his other uncle Bar.

Who also grew into the matriarchal figure she was due to the strong support system taught by her own mother, Nur.

They also learned to pick up cues from their father, Ges.

Unfortunately, they weren't done any favours by the constant supervision of their helicopter dad, Moni.

His uncle Pos was always putting on airs, so they certainly didn’t get it from him.

His brother Smat only helped here and there.

His other brother Pez simply annoyed everyone.

Their sister sue was also a great nurse

Don’t forget his big brother Tuh for helping him study whenever he needed it.

And his friend Men who guided him and offered advice throughout the process

Whilst little sister Loi did jack shit and just hanged about.

And his friend Lit just got in trouble for dropping paper on the street...

Alan had a difficult life, but his cousin Flat always helped him feel good about himself.

Don't forget Gran Turing, who made sure they all took time off for road trips.

One of his daughters almost joined the Spice Girls, her name was Posh Turing.

They both took horseback riding lessons from an instructor name Can.

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Everyone remembers Elvis the Pelvis, but nobody remembers his brother Eenis

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Although history has long forgotten them, Lambini & Sons are generally credited with tiling the Sistine Chapel floor.

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It's wrong to call childbirth delivery.

Actually, it's take-out.

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