FUNNY FRIDAY

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Hopefully this will go out and Bytes will have successfully returned.

How better than with a Funny Friday.

Enjoy but, as is common, risque content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theatre that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply, and then say, ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’”

The actor is thrilled. All day long he practices his line over and over again. Finally, showtime comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming! The actor looks stunned. “You damn fool!” cries the director. “You have ruined me!”

“What happened?? I’m sure I didn’t forget my line!” 

“No!” screams the director. “You forgot the rose!”

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Follow up to the above:

Several months later he gets a call from his agent.

"I finally got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"

"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."

The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.

"Who the heck are you?"

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.

"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"

So, the actor runs up to makeup.

"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.

"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"

So he dashes down to the stage.

"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.

"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"

So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts,

"What the fuck was THAT?!"

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Further follow up:

His line is "Behold, a cadaver…", but he's never seen the realistic body dummy before opening night and blurts "Holy shit, a dead guy!"

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I went to Walmart today, and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tyres!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

And then there's the story that's fraught

With disaster -- of balls that got caught,

When a chap took a crap

In the woods, and a trap

Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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At the beach house, we had a major problem with sea birds. I started throwing rocks at them.

I left no Tern unstoned.

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A blacksmith was put on trial for a murder he did not commit

A guard from a village was found dead with a sword sticking through his chest. The blade was deemed to be the handiwork of the local blacksmith, however he had been away from the village by the time of the murder. Nonetheless, he was arrested shortly after returning and demanded his immediate release.

The town judge decided to charge the blacksmith with murder, arguing that he had forged the weapon that ended the guard’s life and was still responsible. Before being found guilty, the blacksmith pleaded for leniency, claiming not to have personally been a part of the murder. The judge only looked at him and stated before delivering his sentence for the murder, “Thou who smelt it, dealt it.”

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I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

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