FUNNY FRIDAY

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Welcome again to Funny Friday, Byters.

I was reminded during the week of a joke about suppositories (not, I hasten to add, because of personal use), and I recalled that I had posted this in Bytes previously. I located it in a Funny Friday on 6 January, 2012, as part of a doctors theme.

I didn’t recall most of the items in that post, which is like reading (and hearing) them for the first time.

I am therefore reposting the whole of that post, in its original format, in From the Vault below.

Enjoy.

Caution: some risqué content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Father: "Son, you were adopted."

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

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Paddy coming back from holiday was at the airport going through Customs.

Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders?

Paddy: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.

Customs: So why so many mobile phones?

Paddy: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate Mick. He told me that he was starting up a jazz band, and could I bring him back two saxophones.

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The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

- “John,” the new seaman replied.

- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

- “Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”

- “Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed.

- “Darling, My name is John Darling, Master Chief.”

- “Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do ….”

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Repost:

Bytes

Friday, January 6, 2012.

Funny Friday

Today’s Funny Friday is dedicated to my doc, David, who is also a personal friend and a subscriber to Bytes. He is, to use an expression that in the Australian vernacular is the ultimate accolade, “a good bloke”. If someone is described by another as a good bloke, nothing more needs to be said.

By the way, does anyone know why doctors are colloquially referred to as quacks? It doesn't happen as much these days, it was more common when I was younger. . .

“Gees I’m feeling crook."

“Then go see the quack and take a sickie.”

The description of doctors as “quacks” dates from about 1570 and comes from the Dutch kwakzalver, a hawker of salve (kwak – peddle; salve – ointment), and from the Middle Dutch quacken, meaning to brag, boast, to croak. It referred to a peddler who sold fraudulent medicinal ointments in the street and who made claims of cure-all properties for such items. The word was also used in England and was translated to quacksalver, having the same meaning but later referring more generally to a fake or unethical doctor. It was eventually shortened to quack and over time became a colloquial term for all doctors, but still retaining an element of not being genuine.

Caution: there are some risque items in the following.

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.

“That looks nasty,” says the doctor.

“Yes,” replies the man. “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg!”

A doctor gave an elderly patient suffering from haemorrhoids a script for suppositories.

When he met the old man in the street he asked whether the suppositories had had any effect.

“Nahh,” said the old man. "For all the good they did, I might as well have shoved them up my arse.”

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom. A week after arriving home, he finds his willy is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor. Days later the doctor calls and says, 'I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate.' The man isnistes on getting a second opinion and sees another specialist who confirms the diagnosis and the treatment. In desperation the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongowian VD.' 'What can you do?' asks the man. 'My American doctors want to amputate!' The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, 'Stupid American doctors aways want to opewate. Make more money that way. No need to opewate!' 'Oh, thank God!' the man replies. 'Yes!' says the Chinese doctor. 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by self!'

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

An anonymous woman we knew

Was dozing one day in her pew;

When the preacher yelled "Sin!"

She said, "Count me in

As soon as the service is through."

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From Tony Z, thanks Tony . . .

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"And finally, I pray that everyone will be happy."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a brick wall!"

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CORN CORNER:

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What cheese is made backwards?

Edam.

Some reader comments in response to the above, where it was posted:

Havarti told you how much I liked this?

Gouda one!

A Muenster punchline, indeed.

Cheesy jokes like this remind me of my youth - when I first heard them.

Emal

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Studying History makes you numb

but studying Mathematics makes you number.

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Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays.

But in the medieval times, they were called Lance a lot.

Some reader comments in response to the above, where it was posted:

Guinevere sure got lanced a lot.

Then I'll bet she cam a lot!

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