FUNNY FRIDAY

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And a cheery hello from waterlogged Sydney, still, most of us are not as badly off as those who have lost homes and treasured possessions. Also the farmers who have been battling and are now hit by floods; the food establishments, hospitality industry workers, travel businesses, all knocked by Covid and now by rain such that no one is venturing out. Sympathies to them all.

For the rest of us complaining about the rain, here are some moments of humour to brighten the day.

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SOME HUMOUR:

A man asked his daughter to give him the newspaper. "Newspapers are old" she said, and gave him her ipad instead. The fly never knew what hit him.

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My girlfriend just dumped me.

She said in a teary tirade:

“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was about to close the door when I yelled “No, no….waaait”

She turned back, tears in her eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained.

That was when I uttered those three magic words.

“Gary and I”

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I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, “How many potatoes would you like?”

I said “I’ll just have the one please”

She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite”

“Alright” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid bitch.”

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Man says to his friend Mike “I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?”

Mike doesn't like it but, being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

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A blonde calls Emergency and says "Help, help, my house is on fire" ...operator says "Stay calm ma'am, we'll send the fire department. How do we get to your house?"

Blonde: "duh...big red truck"

                        

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A woman walks into a shop, picks up a can of fly spray and asks 'Is this any good for flies?'

'Not really' says the assistant 'It kills them'

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A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says “Falklands War Veteran”.

A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, “It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it’s like. Maybe this will help you out.” He then gives the man a rather large stack of cash.

The busker is overjoyed, and as the well-dressed man walks away, he tells him, “Muchas gracias, señor!”

 

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A variation that predates the Falklands War:

Back in the 1970s a middle-aged man got upset with his neighbour and spilled a flowerpot full of water out his window onto her. She got very upset and pressed charges against him. So the man had to go and get a lawyer to represent him, and the lawyer asked the judge for leniency, arguing that the man was an Army veteran and had never been in any trouble with the law.

The judge, having heard the lawyer’s submissions, granted leniency and dismissed the charge.

Aware of the man's age, the judge thought to ask him, "Did you serve during World War II?"

"Yes, your honour," he said.

"Did you see any action?"

"Yes, I fought in the Battle of the Bulge, and I even saw General Patton once!"

"And did you kill many of the enemy?"

"Oh yes, your honour, dozens of them!"

"I fought in the Bulge too," the judge said. "Tell me, what unit were you with?"

The man drew himself up and said very proudly, "The Fifth Panzer, your honour!"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

For Steve and Diane, who have a boisterous new puppy . . .

There once was a fiesty young terrier

Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.

He'd yip and he'd yap,

Then leap up and snap;

And the fairer the derriere the merrier.

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GALLERY:

From friend John P, thanks John . . .

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CORN CORNER:

I don't understand why people don't like lazy people.

They didn't do anything.

I always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.

He wasn't a millionaire, he just wanted to be one.

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet... It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A hippo is pretty heavy, a Zippo is a little lighter.

Hey, there was a pirate selling corn down at the farmers market.

‘Twas a buck-an-ear!

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