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Caution:
Risque content ahead.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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In these hard times, I wanted to give some hope to people who visit family members in comas at the hospital...
...so I put a half eaten sandwich in each of the comatose patients' hands.
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The church in my town fell on hard times recently...
There wasn't enough money coming in to even keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local florist comes to the church in a huff.
"Please," he begs of the friars, "you must stop selling flowers! Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, so nobody comes to my business! I'll be ruined if you keep this up."
"We're sorry," the friars tell him, "but the doors of God's temple must remain open, and for that we need money." Tony leaves the church, even more upset.
He goes to his neighbours asking if they'll help him boycott, but they're all too afraid to speak out.
He consults a lawyer, seeing if he can solve this legally, but the lawyer won't dare try and sue the church. He even goes to the Governor, but he gets told the Church isn't doing anything wrong.
The weeks roll by and the Friars grow more successful as Tony gets closer to broke.
Finally, in desperation, he hires the meanest, baddest, most nasty man in town, Hue, and sends him after the Friars.
Hue scares all the Friars, smashes all their tables, rips up the garden beds, and even pisses all over the remaining flowers. The next day, the Friars are no longer selling flowers and Tony is back in business.
In the end, it seems the saying is true: Hue and only Hue can prevent florist friars.
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In the 1900s an English town had fallen on really hard times.
For decades its primary industry had been its textile mills, but now the mills were all closed and unemployment was at an all-time high.
Desperate, the town's mayor looked frantically around for other industries to bring to his town. He found that there was a man in Germany who was looking for someone to take over his thriving hunting dog breeding business. The man had made a fortune raising the animals and was not willing to unload it for a fraction of its value, so that he could retire.
The mayor used his influence to have the mills converted to kennels and all of the dogs transported to his town. Employment skyrocketed and the town prospered. Everyone was happy, even though, sometimes - especially on the nights with a full moon - the animals got a little noisy, keeping some residents awake.
But, even these unfortunate few learned to sigh and say, "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich".
(Okay, okay, I was leaving anyway).
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Having a trans parent is really difficult for kids.
It feels like they are never there.
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John was livid that his Tickle-me Elmo puppet assembly line was severely backed up.
He picked up the latest Tickle-me Elmo puppet and noticed two fuzzy balls sewed between its legs.
John followed the assembly line to the source of the problem and he saw his new employee, Sarah, surrounded by chaos. She had a big box of fuzzy balls on her left and a sewing machine on her right and she's feverishly sewing two balls between each Elmo's legs but the assembly line is way too fast and dozens of Elmo's are piling up in front of her.
John walks over to her, shakes his head and says, "What are you doing? All you have to do is give each Elmo two test tickles."
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LAW & LAWYERS:
There once was a man named Mr. Evans who pursued a law degree, even though his passion was music. All through law school, he yearned to drop out and play in a cover band, singing Beatles songs all night to a crowd of fans. Eventually, though the man became a lawyer instead.
Through the years, he became a highly esteemed practitioner of law. He rose in his practice of jurisprudence until one day he even became a county judge. He came home and told his wife that he still wasn’t satisfied. Despite everything, singing the Beatles was still his dream. She told her next door neighbour, Megan, who told her husband, Tom.
Tom said, “We’ve known Judge Evans his whole life. He’s getting to retiring age. It’d be a shame if he never got to realise his true dream.” Megan agreed, and after talking with Mrs. Evans, they conspired to make the judge’s dream come true. For Meg and Tom’s 30th anniversary party, they’d ask Judge Evans to play music.
Judge Evans showed up to Meg and Tom’s house. He was sheepish, but agreed to sing “Hey Jude.” To Tom’s surprise, he sounded just like John Lennon! They gave him the gig without a second thought.
Elated, Mr. Evans called up a few of his buddies down at the country club and found a drummer, a bass player, and a guitarist. They wore bell bottoms and headbands, even looking the part!
The group showed up to the party and started singing “Yellow Submarine.” To Meg and Tom’s horror, the guitar was out of tune, the drummer was off-beat, and Mr. Evans’ accompanying vocalists were atrocious.
Tom turned to Meg and said, “I guess we should’ve listened to the age old adage.”
“Oh?” Meg asked.
“Never book a Judge by his cover.”
(I snuck back in).
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
A delighted, incredulous bride
Remarked to her groom at her side:
"I never could quite
Believe till tonight
That our anatomies would coincide."
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GALLERY:
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CORN CORNER:
A teacher is marking the attendance roll and comes across the name “Hijkm”.
She says “I’m sorry, I’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out.
A girl raises her hand and says “That’s me, it’s pronounced ‘Noelle’ “.
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Why did the Mormon cross the road?
To get to the other bride.
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Why do Italian women love me?
I'm firm when I need to be, but I can also be soft and tender.
The name's Dente.
Al Dente.
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Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up.
One day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish."
Sean frowned, "For 10'ish? But I haven’t even got a racquet!"
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