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SOME HUMOUR:
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A kid is selling lemonade…
The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade. "25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢… Maybe lemonade stands aren’t your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.
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A true story . . .
In an interview with David Letterman, Carter passed along an anecdote of a translation problem in Japan. Carter was speaking at a business lunch in Tokyo, where he decided to open his speech with a brief joke.
He told the joke, then waited for the translator to announce the Japanese version. Even though the story was quite short, Carter was surprised by how quickly the interpreter was able to re-tell it. Even more impressive was the reaction from the crowd. Carter thought the story was cute, but not outright hilarious, yet the crowd broke right up. Carter was very flattered.
After the speech, Carter wanted to meet the translator to ask him how he told the joke. Perhaps there is better way to tell the joke?
When Carter asked how the joke had been told in Japanese, the translator responded, “I told them, ‘President Carter has told a very funny joke. Please laugh now.'”
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An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In the English language," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah, right."
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Never let others keep you down, never stop trying and never be afraid to fight for what you want.
Unless your name is Amber Heard in which case can you please stop? Like, now please?
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I had occasion to tell the following story to a colleague, who told me that she is always optimistic . . .
There once were twin brothers, one of whom was always pessimistic and one who was always optimistic, the proverbial eternal optimist.
This presented an opportunity for scientists to carry out tests and studies, to which the parents agreed.
Accordingly the pessimistic lad was placed in a room full of toys, computer games and other diversions that were the current rage, then left for an hour.
The optimistic boy was placed in a room full of horse manure for an hour.
After the hour was up, the scientists opened the door of the pessimistic boy’s room and found the toys broken and the computer screen smashed. The boy was mumbling “My brother probably has lots better things than I have. He’s probably having a lot more fun.”
When they opened the optimistic boy’s door they found him still wading through the manure, digging deep with his hands and saying “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere.”
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There once was a man named McSweeny
Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny.
Just to be couth,
He added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.
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GALLERY:
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RELIGION SPOT:
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, “Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn’t it?”
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CORN CORNER:
I bought a diamond ring on St. Patricks day but found out it was a fake
They gave me a sham rock
My Boss calls me ‘the computer’
Nothing to do with my intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday.
That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
What's the easiest way to cut a diamond's value in half?
Buy it.
I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals!
IM LIVID
I invited my girlfriend to the gym with me, but she stood me up.
I guess the two of us aren't going to work out after all.
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