FUNNY FRIDAY

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Q: How far can you go into a forest?

A: Halfway, then you're going out of it.

We're halfway through the year today, readers, on the approach to Christmas and 2023.

Enjoy EOFY end and Funny Friday.

Caution, as usual: risque content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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What are the magic words you say to get what you want?

I'm offended

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Size of matter in descending order.

Molecule

Atom

Proton

Quark

x on a mobile ad

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I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed... "Anyone know CPR?"

I said hell, I know the entire alphabet.

Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.

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One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing! " he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $146.50. "

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Two clowns are eating a cannibal...

One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."

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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '

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A wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.”

Husband: Who is Priscilla?

Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.

Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?

Wife: Where are you??

Husband: Near the vegetable market.

Wife: Wait I’m coming there right now...

After 10 minutes she texts her husband, “Where are you?”

Husband: I’m at the office. Now that you are at the market, buy whatever vegetables you need.

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(Reposted for Tom C, who quoted the punchline back at me in a text message conversation to make a point) . . .

Sophia just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophia. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luigi took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophia ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Sophia", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luigi took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luigi took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luigi took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophia saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

My good lady does not appreciate the quality and mirth inherent in a bawdy limerick, although she does smile at the witty and clever ones.

I was going to include the limerick below in a previous Funny Friday but fell foul of Kate’s disapproval, so if you see my wife, don’t recite the limerick to her or tell her that I posted it. . . 

When Lady Penelope swoons,

Her tits pop out like balloons.

Parker stands by,

With a gleam in his eye,

And pops them back in with warm spoons.

 

Kate’s particular objection was to the vulgarism for breasts, but that segues into a posting of another limerick, a well-known classic . . .

On a maiden a man once begat

Triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat.

'Twas fun in the breeding

But hell in the feeding.

She hadn't a spare tit for Tat.

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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The above Vault joke gives rise to another . . .

A woman goes into see her doctor and says to him “Ever since my husband had an accident and lost all of his toes on his left foot I feel sick when I am around him ". “Ahh,” said the doctor, “I know what the problem is, you are lack toes intolerant.”

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Getting a sex change isn't that complicated.

Little bit of snipping.

Little bit of stitching.

And Bob's your aunt.

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A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, "The book I borrowed last week was just awful. It had absolutely no plot, and the vocabulary was too complex!"

The librarian calls into the back room, "Hey, we found the lady who took our dictionary!"

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One night I had a vision that I was on stage with REM performing “Losing My Religion”

But that was just a dream. Just a dream…

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