FUNNY FRIDAY

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SOME HUMOUR:

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After my dad died, I went to his favourite park to scatter his remains

A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"

I said "Why not?"

He said "You have to cremate him first!"

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A man decides to take a trip one day.

He packs his bag with some spare clothes and snacks, and he heads to a local monastery to see what wisdom they have to share with him. He crosses rivers and climbs a mountain to find it. When he finally arrives, they let him in. The monks show him to a guest room. There he unpacks, prays, and sleeps.

When a loud bell awakes him early the next morning, he looks out his window, only to see a large bear in the courtyard chasing one of the monks. Unbelieving his eyes, he rushes to open his bedroom door to go down stairs. Outside his door sits another giant black bear. Slamming the door shut, he falls to his knees, trembling. Suddenly he hears footsteps in the monastery, walking, then running up the stairs. Claws scratching at wood. Then the thumping and clawing move farther away, back down the stairs. Afraid to open the door, the man goes back to he window, where the abbot of the monastery is now sitting peacefully in the courtyard.

"Excuse me," he calls out, "what was that all about?"

"My son," replies the abbot, "we all have our own bear to cross."

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A 60 years old millionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl.

After the honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage.

After a few drinks, the millionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 year old hottie.

"It's simple," the millionaire boasts, "I faked my age".

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy, she is sensational, what age did you tell you are?" a friend asks.

With a smile on his lips the millionaire responds "85 years old".

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I got fired from my job at the suicide hotline.

Apparently they aren't familiar with the reverse psychology approach

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A classic oldie recycled . . .

President Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv and they suddenly hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all dishevelled.

"What happened to you?" asked Putin.

"Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19 year old and 21 year old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Putin.

The driver replies, "I'm president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig."

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Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 new and innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,

Who's been coxing the varsity crew.

In the shell Sue is great,

But her boyfriend's irate,

When she calls out the stroke as they screw.

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CORN CORNER:

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Just woke up from a dream about Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500.

It was VIVID.

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A gorgeous woman waved to me at the beach yesterday.

But there was no way I was swimming out that far, to talk to her.

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My teachers told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

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The above is like the Bob Newhart comment:

They all laughed when I said I was going to become a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now.

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A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it.

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings

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What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

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