FUNNY FRIDAY

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Welcome, dear readers, to another Funny Friday.

This time next week it will be Christmas Eve, so no prizes for guessing what the Funny Friday theme is today.

The following items are from previous posts, not only because it is late and I am pressed for time but also that if you don’t remember them from before, they are as good as fresh items.

So here is another Bytes of Christmas Past.

Caution: some risqué content ahead, Yes, even at Christmas.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Three Wise Women

(as opposed to Three Wise Men)

Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise MEN?

The WOMEN would have:

- Asked directions, - Arrived on time,

- Helped deliver the baby,

- Cleaned the stable,

- Made a casserole, and

- Brought practical gifts (like diapers!)

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A lady went into a music store seeking a Christmas record. For those among us who don’t know what records are, they were the flat black vinyl discs you played on a ‘record player’ in the days before compact discs and DVD’s and audio tape. The records came as LP’s, meaning Long Play (sometimes called a 10 inch), and singles.

The lady who goes to the shop says to the young guy behind the counter “Have you got Jingling Bells on a 10 inch?” He says “No, but I’ve got dangling balls on a 7 inch.” “Is that a record?” she asks. “Maybe not,” he replies, “but it’s not bad for a lad of 17.”

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A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this?" said the woman.

"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!"

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Bacon proves God has a sense of humour.

He invents the greatest meat in the world, then bans His chosen people from eating it.

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God used to create universes and flood the entire Earth. Now he appears on toast.

Anyone else less than impressed with the Almighty’s recent behaviour?

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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are."

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So this is Christmas, and what have you done?

The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?

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All you people telling me to take down the Christmas decorations all year.

Well, who’s laughing now?

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I hate this time of year, all the adverts on the TV, leaflets through the doors, emails, more adverts, wherever you go there's some sort of in your face advertising campaign shoving Christmas down your throat. When did our once great nation become such sellouts for a fast payday. Its sad to see how society is manipulated. Thankfully over at Amazon.com things are different.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

From a Funny Friday Bytes posted on Christmas Eve . . 

By moi:

So it’s the eve before Christmas Day . .

Trees, carols, gifts, Santa and sleigh,

Holidays, we commit utterly

To drinking and to gluttony . . .

Is it not someone or other’s birthday?

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

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A man sent his friend a cryptic Christmas card. It said: A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z. The recipient puzzled over it for weeks, finally gave up and wrote asking for an explanation. In July he received the explanation on a postcard: "No L."

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We're all brave until we realise the cockroach has wings.

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A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of accordion players. They called ground control with a list of demands. Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one accordion player an hour.

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Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.

The salesgirl asked him:- 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?

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