FUNNY FRIDAY

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In keeping with Friday being the day for eating fish, at least for those of a particular religious persuasion, today’s theme is fish.

The tradition of eating fish on Friday stems from the Roman Catholic custom to not eat warm-blooded animals on Fridays, to acknowledge and do penance for the death of Jesus. According to this Christian tradition, Jesus sacrificed his flesh on Good Friday, when he was executed on and died for people’s sins., so the custom was to abstain from eating the flesh of warm-blooded animals Fish, which are cold blooded were considered okay to eat on fasting days.

Pope Paul VI loosened fasting rules in the 1960s but the Friday meat ban still applies to the 40 days of the Lenten fast.

A few years before the Vatican relaxed the rules, Lou Groen, an enterprising McDonald's franchise owner in a largely Catholic part of Cincinnati, found himself struggling to sell burgers on Fridays. His solution? The Filet-O-Fish.

Enjoy Finny Friday, readers.

Be warned, though, there is some some risque content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t properly reporting wages paid to his staff. It sent an auditor to investigate him.

ATO Auditor: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”. 
 
Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.”

“Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.

ATO Auditor: “That’s the guy I want to talk to — the mentally challenged one.”

Boat Owner: “That’ll be me. What would you like to know”?

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A game warden sees an old man going out fishing alone and asks if he can go along.

The old man relents and rows out to the middle of the lake. Then he opens his tackle box, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and drops it into the lake. After it goes off the boat is surrounded with dead fish and the old guy starts scooping up the bodies.

The warden is incensed and says 'That's illegal and a thousand dollar fine when we get to shore!'

So the old guy pulls out another stick of dynamite, lights it and hands it to the warden saying..

'You want to just talk all day or are you going to start fishing?'

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, A Spaniard and a German go to the theatre to watch a mime show.

The men have bad eyesight so they are squinting through the whole performance.

The mime sees their problem and stops the show and moves them to the front row.

He then ask, "Can you see me now?"

The men respond: YES OUI SI JA

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Out fishing with a sailor friend, a priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in , the sailor says, "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry Father, but that’s what this fish is called - it's a fucker fish!"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge Fucker," says the priest, spotting the Bishop. "Language, please! This is God’s house," replies the Bishop. "No, no – that’s what this fish is called," says the priest. "Oh," says the Bishop, scratching his chin. " I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, Sister, that’s what this fish is called - a fucker," says the Bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the Mother Superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the Priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the Bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says, " You know what? You cunts are alright!"

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My grief counsellor died recently...

...but he was so good I didn't give a shit

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A child got caught swearing in class today.

The teacher told him to stop saying those words. She also implies that he doesn't even know what it means

The child responded "I know what it means"

The teacher said "Oh yeah? Then what does it mean?"

The student said "It's when the car won't start"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

According to the book The Lure of the Limerick by W S Baring-Gould,the following limerick is the only limerick that Langdon Reed ever allowed to appear in any of his many books. It is thought that Reed did not pick up on the pun in the last line.

There was a young fellow named Hyde

Who fell down a privy and died.

His unfortunate brother,

Then fell down another,

And now their interred side by side.

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CORN CORNER:

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I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch

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I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards.

Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.

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I went to Bill Hayley/s fish shop last night . .

They do Hake, Haddock and Sole

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How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. Or two.

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