Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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The end of another week, dear readers, so time for some Friday fun.

Two special days coming up, Halloween on Sunday and the Melbourne Cup on Tuesday.

The tradition originated with the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain, when people would light bonfires and wear costumes to ward off ghosts. In the eighth century, Pope Gregory III designated November 1 as a time to honor all saints. Soon, All Saints Day incorporated some of the traditions of Samhain. The evening before was known as All Hallows Eve, and later Halloween. Over time, Halloween evolved into a day of activities like trick-or-treating, carving jack-o-lanterns, festive gatherings, donning costumes and eating treats.

The Melbourne Cup is Australia’s richest horse race and is dubbed “the race that stops a nation”.

Some recycled Halloween and Cup humour (what I call Gallopween) from past Bytes is interspersed below.

Enjoy, readers, may your trick or treat bags be full as well as your pockets.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.

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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:

"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.

The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."

Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"

To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

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A leading trainer was given an eye test and was presented with a new pair of glasses. The optician said they would cost $500. "Too much!" cried the trainer. "They're bi-focal" said the optician. "I don't care if they're by Phar Lap. It's too much."

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My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdfw7.

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Daughter: “Mum, I'm going to a sleepover at Jack's.”

Mum: “Use protection.”

Daughter: “Mum, I'm 15.”

Mum: “…and I'm 30.”

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Went trick-or-treating last night. Every house I called at slammed the door back in my face.

Maybe going as a Jehovah's Witness wasn't the best idea.

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FROM THE VAULT:

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A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married.

After the wedding and reception, the couple go to a hotel to check in.

The lady behind the desk asks ‘Would you like the bridal suite?'

'No thanks,’ says the jockey ‘I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'

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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

By moi, from last year and still topical . . .

It’s time for Halloween cheer

When one tries to create primal fear,

Forget witches and ghosts,

What has scared me the most

Has been the whole of this fucking year.

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GALLERY: